


See Me Every Time

by notevenyou



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blood and Injury, Child Abuse, Coming Out, Domestic Violence, Food Issues, Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:06:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9832073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notevenyou/pseuds/notevenyou
Summary: Actor Aaron Burr’s life in the spotlight is carefully staged until he meets co-star Alexander Hamilton.





	

Aaron has never known a time when he wasn’t under the spotlight. His parents had been stars, darlings of the celebrity press, American sweethearts who had met and married amidst the glow of public adoration. 

Aaron’s father, his namesake, had been a popular singer who had met Aaron’s mother when he had decided to try out acting. Aaron’s father had never been more than a passable actor, but it didn’t affect his career, gathering roles through sheer, natural charm. 

In contrast, Aaron’s mother had been a highly respected actress, nominated twice for an Oscar, sure to win someday. 

They had both been beautiful, and, in a world of staged romances, their affection for each other had seemed very real. The public had celebrated their marriage, and then the birth of their two children, Sally and Aaron. And when they had died, in a tragic car crash when Aaron was only five, the world had mourned. 

Aaron and Sally were lucky that their Uncle Timothy and his new wife, Rhoda, took them in. At least that’s what Aaron’s uncle said. Aaron grew up supposing it must be true. He couldn’t remember life before, his memories of his parents confined, like the rest of America, to their photoshoots, interviews, films, and songs. Sally remembered a bit, and sometimes, if Aaron was having a bad day, she would tell him stories about his mother’s gentle hugs, and his father’s way of making everyone laugh. Aaron supposes these stories are true too, but they seem like fairy tales, hazy next to the solid reality of his life in the spotlight. 

And he and Sally  _ are _ in the spotlight. His aunt and uncle said it was his parents’ wish that their children follow in their footsteps, and so from their death on, Aaron became a child actor. He and Sally are enrolled in a series of classes - dance, singing, acting. The closest Aaron makes it to school are the occasional bright sets designed to mimic classrooms, instead, he’s taught by a series of tutors, on-set and off. 

Sally, who had been in first grade when their parents died, hates it. She drags her feet in all the stage lessons, and, as much as possible, disappears into her books. She purposely bombs auditions, and seems immovable even when their uncle gets angry enough to leave bruises. She just raises her chin defiantly, daring him to do worse. Afterward, when Aaron sneaks in her room with a box of cereal and a bag of ice, dinner and medicine as best as he can offer at eight, then she cries, but only here, where they can’t see. 

Aaron admires Sally’s bravery, something he can never match. Maybe it’s because she remembers their parents, when, to Aaron, his uncle and aunt are the only parents he’s ever known, or maybe because she’s older, smarter. But Aaron can’t imagine standing up to them like that, instead trying to please them, and by extension maybe somehow please his parents. Aaron’s success doesn’t quite bring praise, never quite enough for happiness, but when Aaron can’t pick up a lesson fast enough, when he doesn’t get a role, or asks for something he shouldn’t, displeasure is easy enough to come by, and Aaron works to avoid it.  

His aunt’s displeasure is less physical than his uncle’s, stinging words only, telling Aaron how disappointed his parents would be in his lack of effort. When Sally hears this, later she’ll tell Aaron it’s not true, that his parents would never be disappointed in him, but Aaron can’t be sure who to trust. Sally was only a little girl when they died, how can she be sure? It’s easier just to avoid being disappointing, to learn his lessons, not to ask for things he shouldn’t want, and to try to make people happy.

Aaron suspects the difference between him and Sally is deeper, more fundamental. It’s probably true that his parents could have never been ashamed of Sally, who never seems afraid, but Aaron is a different story. There’s a weakness in him, that no one could admire. Where Sally dares their uncle to come at her, to leave a mark for everyone to see, Aaron does anything to avoid not only his uncle’s bruising hands, but his aunt’s biting words, placating where Sally fights. 

As they grow older, Aaron and Sally grow further apart. Sally fights, and pushes, and refuses to play along until finally, when she’s eleven, their aunt and uncle send her off to a boarding school, where she stays for every holiday she can manage. Aaron, now alone, tries harder than ever to please. He studies his lessons, he doesn’t eat sweets, he gives everything to each audition, he never disagrees with his aunt and uncle, and he learn to smile for the cameras, for the fans, for everyone. He wraps any negative thoughts deep under that smile, and for the most part it works for him. People say he has his father’s smile, and maybe it’s that borrowed measure of charm that helps him put others at ease, that helps him keep his aunt and uncle’s unhappiness at bay. 

#

Aaron’s dogged determination to succeed, to stick to the plan set out for him, keeps him solidly employed for awhile, but then his teen years hit. At first he still looks young enough that he picks up the occasional role for children, but by sixteen he’s hit an awkward stage. He looks too old to play a child, and too awkwardly gangly for most of the Hollywood teen roles. The semi-peaceful relationship he’s had with his aunt and uncle over the last few years dries up with his success, and no amount of careful compliance from Aaron is able to paper over his unemployment. 

It’s a pretty bad time for Aaron all around. When he’s sixteen, Sally turns eighteen and, just like that, she’s gone. She takes what money is left in her name and disappears to Princeton, leaving no contact information. Aaron had barely seen her in the last seven years, the less he disappoints their aunt and uncle the more he seems to disappoint her, but, even so, knowing that there was someone else who understood, someone who might be on his side, had meant a lot to Aaron. Perhaps there was even a small part of him that hoped she wouldn’t leave him behind when she got out. But she’s just gone, she doesn’t call or write. His aunt and uncle respond by acting as if she never existed, as if it’s always just been the three of them and the heavy memory of Aaron’s dead parents, judging him. Aaron looks Sally up online once or twice, thinks about writing, but he decides that letting her have this clean break is the kindest thing he can do for her.

It’s also at sixteen, into this already stressful time, that Aaron comes to the slow, horrifying realization that he’s not straight - that most of the people that catch his eye are men. The idea leaves him in carefully hidden panic, just the thought of what his uncle would say is enough to make it feel like all the oxygen has left the room. And would his uncle really be wrong? Aaron’s aunt and uncle don’t have to tell him how it could destroy his career, he’s been in this world his whole life, he’s seen it happen. It’s hard enough for a straight black actor to find roles, and in his current slump, Aaron can’t imagine making it harder on himself in any way.  

The final garnish on Aaron’s terrible year is when his aunt decides that part of the reason he’s not getting roles is the roundness of his face, soft baby fat making him look too young. She comes up with a new nutrition plan and he plays along as always, even though half the time it leaves him with a lingering hunger. The hunger and the irrational worry that someone will somehow know what he’s hiding keep Aaron up at night, and together these things leave him slow and stupid, making miscalculations that result in bruises hidden under his shirts. 

Aaron can’t quite see the way out of any of it. He feels trapped and alone, slowly suffocating in the pressure and fear. He responds by hiding away in his room, safe from having to smile, or figuring out the right thing to say or do, safe from discovery. 

It’s in the quiet isolation of his bedroom, one listless afternoon aimlessly clicking through Netflix and trying to avoid anything starring his parents, that Aaron stumbles on science fiction. He’s seen _Star Wars_ before of course, but now, so trapped, there’s something freeing about the worlds it paints, the wide openness of space, so different from his own life. There’s something liberating about _Star Trek_ ’s vision of a future where endless paths are open to people. Even on a show like _Battlestar Galactica,_ where there are almost no paths open, people don’t have time for the petty questions that plague Aaron’s life, concerned instead with life and death. Aaron falls for these shows with the passion of a prisoner offered a window to the outdoors. 

He grows to love the way sci fi can also be very much about ordinary life, the questions it asks about the world and human nature, the different possibilities it imagines. In the hidden corner of his mind where he acknowledges his attraction to men, he loves when the characters are allowed to love people of the same gender without comment. He loves the idea of a future world, where same-sex attraction is unremarkable in the face of larger issues of identity and galaxy-wide problems. 

#

As much comfort as these shows give him, as much as Aaron wants to hide away in his room for the rest of forever, it’s not possible, but in the end it turns out for the best, because otherwise Aaron wouldn’t have met Theodosia. 

They meet at a typically terrible industry party, this one for stars under twenty that is mostly populated by agents and parents trying to make connections. Aaron’s star might not be shining too brightly at the moment, but his aunt and uncle still know what strings to pull, and the memory of his parents still opens doors, so they’re here. 

Aaron’s been doing his best to work the room, not wanting his uncle to be disappointed in his efforts. Aaron gets his photo taken, smiles at people who clearly want to talk to someone more important, ignores the subtle insult from one of his former co-stars whose career is taking off while Aaron’s falters, and doesn’t shrug out from under the too long touch of the one producer that everyone knows about. 

Eventually it starts to press in on Aaron, the room too close, too warm, he can’t quite catch his breath, and the faces start to blend together. Making sure that his aunt and uncle are distracted, Aaron sneaks away, finding a hall that leads to some other rooms. The hall is dark, and the first two doors he tries are locked, but eventually he pushes on one that opens for him. He doesn’t turn the light on, not wanting to attract attention, but there’s enough street light coming through a small window to reveal the room to be a tiny, cluttered office. Ignoring the rest of the room, Aaron heads straight for the window. Even closed, and showing little aside from an alley and a sliver of the sky, the window seems like a glimpse of freedom, and some of the tension in Aaron’s chest eases.

This relief is short lived as someone clears their throat behind him. He whirls around, only now realizing that someone is already in the room. 

“Oh man. I didn’t mean to scare you,” a voice says. 

Aaron’s heart rate goes down as he realizes it’s a girl his own age. Peering through the dimness, he’s able to place her as the singer, Theodosia. He clears his throat, “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize someone was here.” 

She smiles, “It’s okay, we can share.” 

He nods, unwilling to leave the dim sanctuary of the room. 

Theodosia pulls her legs up underneath her in the office chair she’s commandeered, causing the full skirt she’s wearing to poof out absurdly. Aaron is struck anew that at least he’s not trying to make it in this world as a girl. The clothes alone…

Unlike Aaron, Theodosia is a star on the rise. She’s Aaron’s age, sweet sixteen, but she’s just released a first album that’s playing  _ everywhere _ . She’s pretty in a doe-eyed way, seemingly having skipped the awkwardness of teenagehood. Her voice is clear and beautiful, and she writes her own music. From what Aaron had observed, she’d been in-demand at the party. People wanting to gush about the album, get a picture with her, and quite a few of the guys there hitting on her, regardless of any age gap. He can understand why she wanted to get away. 

There’s an awkward pause, then she says, “Is it weird if I say that  _ Surf Hotel _ was like my favorite show?” 

Aaron can’t help but laugh. _Surf Hotel_ was the ridiculous Disney show that occupied much of Aaron’s early teens, the kind of steady money his uncle liked to see. It hadn’t been Aaron’s favorite job, the other kids on the show had been fiercely competitive, and the show itself rather dumb, but the series had been popular and ran for four lucrative years, “Weird how?”  

She makes a gesture lost in the dim lighting, “I don’t know. Like four months ago I was in small town Michigan, and now I’m like meeting people I used to watch on TV, and I don’t know what you’re supposed to say. Am I supposed to be too cool to care?” 

He laughs again, “People here  _ love  _ it when you admire them. The more the better really.” 

She tilts her head, as if considering the truth of his words, which shows she’s already learned something about this town, but she seems to accept it, “Well then, you were totally my favorite character.” 

He eyes her suspiciously, unsure how quickly she’s assimilated his lesson, “Is that true?” 

She giggles, “Close. Marta was my favorite, but you were totally my second favorite.” 

He smiles at her, “You’re learning already. I predict you are going to go far in this town.” 

She swivels the chair back and forth, “I guess you would know.” 

He shrugs, not sure that he has any such insight these days. 

She stops swiveling, “But here we both are, hiding in the dark.” 

He doesn’t want to respond to that, to give away any ammunition.  

She doesn’t need a response from him though, “It’s a lot sometimes. People want so much.” 

It seems awful that she should already be feeling the weight of it, just started out and so successful for the moment. Aaron tries to lighten the mood, to offer her a respite, “Luckily this room is a demand free zone. Anyone in here is free from networking and requests, up to and including ‘just smile for the camera.’” 

“Oh really?” She says, faux suspicious. 

He offers her his easiest smile, “You must have missed the sign on the door.” 

“I must have.” 

He leans back against the desk, not sure what to say now. An awkward silence opens up.

She fiddles with her skirt, and then finally says, “So what would you be doing if you weren’t at this party right now?” 

He considers, but decides there’s no harm in answering, “I just started a new show, so probably watching that.” 

She smiles, “Hollywood glamour at it’s finest. What show?” 

“Pure glamour.  _ Buffy.”  _

She sits up straight suddenly, “Oh no way! I love that show! How far are you?” 

And suddenly they are having a debate about their favorite characters (She loves Willow most, and he loves Buffy), and then from there off to other shows they both love. She’s not quite the science fiction fan he is, but at least they have  _ Buffy. _

It’s probably the best conversation Aaron’s had in months, if not more, but eventually, even though he’d rather stay, he has to get back to the party. He doesn’t want to make his aunt and uncle start looking for him. 

Theo (as she’s told him to call her), doesn’t seem any happier about heading back in, but she stands and shakes the wrinkles out of her skirt as best as she can, before nervously asking, “I really liked talking to you. Do you think- like I know it’s a no networking zone, but maybe I could have your number and we could hang out some time when we aren’t hiding in someone’s office?” 

People asking for contact info at these events usually want something - to get their photo in a magazine, for instance, or contacts for a project - but with her, Aaron can almost believe that she really does just want to hang out with someone her own age. Either way, he gives her the number. 

She enters it in her phone and texts him right away, “There. Now you have mine too.” 

He checks his phone and sees it’s true, which makes him feel a little more confident in her. 

He offers to split up before they head back in, but she insists there’s nothing wrong with walking back to the party together. It doesn’t go unnoticed. Aaron feels a little bad about the speculation that’s no doubt already starting, but his aunt seems pleased, as if Aaron had planned to start the gossip for the sake of his career. He doesn’t dispute the idea, glad to have earned some measure of success in her eyes.

#

It turns out that Theo really does want to hang out. She says Aaron has to show her around Los Angeles, since he’s a native. He’s not really sure what to show someone, but he takes her to his favorite beach, downtown to The Last Bookstore, and to the old, abandoned zoo in Griffith Park. She’s appreciative of the beach, charmed by the bookstore, and appropriately creeped out by the zoo.

People take a few cellphone pictures of them, but Aaron doesn’t worry too much about it. It’s a part of his life, and Theo’s already has a  _ lot _ of fans. But then some blog puts together all the photos, and then suddenly, as far as the internet is concerned, Aaron and Theo are a couple, playing coy by not confirming their relationship. Aaron’s aunt and uncle love it, but Aaron wonders what Theo’s PR team thinks of it, not to mention Theo herself. 

After a couple of weeks of frantic internet speculation, Theo asks Aaron to come by her apartment. Her mother isn’t home, and the whole situation makes Aaron nervous, especially because it’s clear that Theo herself is nervous, pale and a little twitchy as she gets him settled at the kitchen table. 

Aaron’s best guess is that she’s going to tell him, that due to the press, they can’t hang out anymore, which is too bad, because he feels more relaxed around her than anyone except maybe the Sally of years ago. 

Theo fusses a bit, getting them both water, bringing out cookies that neither of them touch. She’s not quite making eye contact, but finally she says, “Look, I’m going to ask you something ridiculous.” 

That doesn’t make Aaron any less nervous, but he cautiously says, “Okay?” 

She’s still not looking at him, “You’ve probably guessed that my team is on me about the whole...dating rumor thing.” 

“Right,” he agrees.

She’s gripping her glass of water too tightly, “So the thing is, they love it.” She darts a look at him, and then seems to lose her nerve, “Because- Because the truth is I’m kind of seeing someone already, but they’d rather it not get out, because,” She takes a deep breath, “Because I’m seeing a girl. I mean, I have a girlfriend. From back home.” 

Aaron lets out a long breath. He can’t believe she’s trusting him with this, he could ruin her. And, as innocently sweet as she still somehow seems to be, he can tell that the thought has occurred to her. That she’s made the conscious choice to take a gamble on him, and is now watching him anxiously to see how it will turn out. Even though they haven’t known each other that long he hates to see her worried face. And she’s trusted him…

She’s watching him, still clutching the water glass. He says, “I’m- I’m not going to say anything, you don’t have to worry about it.” 

She nods, but she’s still braced, and Aaron gathers his resolve even though the words feel like they’re sticking in his throat, “I’m uh, not exactly straight myself.” And there, he’s given her a weapon, mutually assured destruction, disarmed her revelation with one of his own.  

Surprise is chased by relief on her face, “Oh wow.” She moves right on to happy with an ease that makes Aaron jealous, “High five for team not-straight.” 

Her giddy relief is infectious, and chuckling slightly he obliges, but then says, “But what were you going to ask me?” 

She looks somber again, although no longer afraid, “Well, so no one thinks it’s a good idea to come out. I just got here, you know? I don’t want to tank my career.” She bites her lip, “So, my publicist was wondering how you would feel about a PR relationship. I know it’s like a total Hollywood move, but we get along, we have a good time, so...I said I’d ask.” 

She looks apologetic, but actually it’s not a bad idea. It would be easier to hide if everyone thought he had a girlfriend, and they do get along. He slowly says, “Do you think we could just let my aunt and uncle think it’s real?” 

She gives him searching look, but says, “I guess so.”

He nods thoughtfully, “Okay. Yes.” 

#

And, just like that, they become an official couple. The entertainment press eats it up, Aaron part of a new power couple just like his parents. A singer and an actor, with Aaron playing the role of his mother apparently. His raised profile, not to mention muscle finally starting to fill out his new height, do a lot of good for his career and he starts getting offers again. 

Aaron’s life is looking up. With Theo on his arm he doesn’t have to worry about people somehow guessing that he prefers men, and, more than that, she becomes his best friend, someone who he can be himself with, someone who has his back. With his career on the upswing his aunt and uncle are pleased with him again. He gets a couple of roles in pretty big blockbusters, just smaller supporting roles, but it’s something. 

And then, despite the occasional discussion from her team of a publicity break-up, Aaron and Theo just sort of...stay together. It’s easy enough to fake a relationship because they know each other so well, and they’re so comfortable together. Being together makes industry events so much better, because they always have backup and a reliable conversation partner. Theo and Aaron stay together even when Aaron turns eighteen, and, with Theo’s support, begins to try to put some separation between himself and his family. 

Aaron buys a house, moving out of Beverly Hills and up into the privacy of the Hollywood Hills. He somehow finds himself unable to say no when his aunt and uncle want a key, but they rarely make the drive. And, once out from their space, he ever so slowly begins the project of taking his career back. His aunt and uncle have controlled the business of his career for so long, but he carefully accrues his own team, starting with a lawyer and an accountant. He can’t cut his aunt and uncle off financially, not after everything they’ve done for him, but he sets aside a good stipend for them, and then hires a real agent and publicist. This doesn’t settle well with them, and, to keep things from getting too tense, Aaron tries to take their career advice whenever possible, even when it’s not always what he would choose for himself. 

Around the same time that Aaron moves out, Theo’s girlfriend, Maryam, comes to college at UCLA. It amazes Aaron that she and Theo have stayed together despite the frequent separations, and the huge changes that Theo’s life has undergone, but somehow they’ve managed it. Maryam is a great person, and Aaron can see why Theo would bend over backwards not to lose her. Suddenly Aaron has not only Theo, but Maryam as a friend, the three of them in on this huge secret together, a team. With Maryam as their guide, he and Theo even manage to have the occasional normal college experience, or at least they do until inevitably some college kid drunkenly asks for a selfie and their cover is blown. 

All in all, Aaron feels steadier than he can ever remember being. 

#

And just like that, time passes. Theo has four more hit albums, each one somehow bigger than the last. Maryam graduates from UCLA as an undergrad, and goes straight into their law program, and then graduates from there too, taking a job at a local firm. Aaron’s career is also going well. He gets a role in a series of ensemble action films, does a few other action flicks, and endures a couple of quirky friend roles in romantic comedies. All in all, enough to keep himself in steady work, enough to keep his aunt and uncle pleased. 

The cycle of filming, recording, album releases, tours, film promotion, interviews, and red carpet appearances continues without pause, and, before it seems possible, Aaron and Theo have been “together” for nearly eight years. They get asked frequently about marriage, but they have a variety of coy and teasing dodges that they use to escape the question. It would be a good PR move, but not worth the shame of the lie.   

Aaron is twenty-four, but he’s been in this career for nearly twenty years and he’s starting to get tired of the sidekick roles, and the projects he doesn’t care about. He’s thought on and off for the last couple of years about pulling back, not taking roles he doesn’t have some sort of passion for. After all, he can afford it. Somehow though, whenever he’s close to taking a break, he ends up at lunch with his aunt, or his uncle drops by the house, and even though Aaron never brings up the idea, after these conversations he can’t bring himself to say no to the latest supporting role in some action star’s attempt to be a real actor. It’s exhausting, but maybe it’s better to be busy than to have too much time to think about his life. 

It’s into this frustrated mood that Aaron’s agent comes to him with a role on a science fiction television series. Aaron hasn’t done TV in years, but it’s a prestige drama on one of the better cable networks, and the script Aaron sees is great. The producers are committed to diverse casting, and it seems like exactly the sort of thing Aaron would want to watch himself. And for once Aaron is truly excited by a project. 

His aunt and uncle won’t like it, won’t like that it’s television. They consider that decent, steady work for a child, but they think the real money and fame is on the big screen. Even knowing this, Aaron can’t bring himself to care. If he got this show, his role wouldn’t be quirky sidekick, it would be one of the most prominent roles in an ensemble, arguably one of two leads. 

The only thing that makes Aaron hesitate is that the character brief indicates that the character will have a relationship with both a woman and a man. Theo says he should go for it, he has her, and it’s fine to  _ play _ gay these days, isn’t it? His agent says it’s a matter of where he wants to go, a bad idea if he’s looking to go into romantic comedies, or hoping to land leading roles in actions films, but not if he wants to do smaller projects and more serious work. Aaron doesn’t talk to his aunt and uncle about it all.  He knows what they’ll say. 

The audition goes well. Actually, it’s not much of an audition really, more of a formality. Apparently, Aaron is the producer's’ first choice, although has no idea which of his projects could have inspired them to want him. They claim they’d approached his agent without any real hope that they could get him, and the role is pretty much his for the taking. From there, it all moves so quickly and, before Aaron knows which way is up, he’s doing chemistry tests with the finalists up to play his two love interests. 

There’s two women and three men. They do a short scene together, nothing too intimate, just designed to see how they play off each other on camera. Despite Aaron’s enthusiasm for the role, the idea of acting out a romantic scene with a man makes him nervous, as if somehow people will be able to tell about him, just from that, but the script is neutral enough that he’s able to push it all to the side. 

He has his scenes with the actresses first. It’s the larger role, the other lead, and if he doesn’t connect well with either of the finalists it’s going to be a problem. Aaron knows both actresses vaguely from various industry events, but has never worked with either of them before. After meeting them, Aaron would say that they both seem talented, although he preferred the scene he did with Angelica Schuyler. Angelica is also a Hollywood legacy, her father a very famous actor, but unlike Aaron she didn’t start acting herself until recently. He thought she seemed smart, very together, and, most importantly, talented.  

Aaron only knows one of the men up for the other role, Charles Lee, a guy he’d worked with on one of the many terrible action films he’s done. He’s not one of Aaron’s favorite people, but unfortunately he’s a perfectly competent actor and the scene goes fine. The next two guys are both relative unknowns, the first seems terrified to even be there. Aaron does his best to put him at ease, but the performance is still a bit stiff, and Aaron catches the casting director’s terribly neutral face as the guy leaves. Alexander, the last guy, is full of enthusiasm, to the point that Aaron worries he won’t be able to control it, and Aaron really will be stuck with Charles, but when the cameras are on, Alexander shifts completely into his role. 

The scene is the same one Aaron’s just done with Charles and the nervous guy, but somehow with Alexander it feels like a whole new script. There’s a life in the words, and a connection between them that wasn’t there before. It’s a rush, and when they finish, Aaron can’t help but smile at Alexander, a small genuine smile, unlike the practiced smile Aaron had greeted him with. Alexander’s eyes widen slightly, but then he smiles back, his enthusiasm returning now that they’re out of the scene. When the casting director dismisses Alexander, her neutral face can’t quite conceal a smug smile. 

The producers review the tapes, consult with the studio, and, in the end, pick Angelica and Alexander, leaving Aaron feeling relieved. Rounding out the cast is Maria Reynolds, an actress who’s best known for being the lead on a teen drama until last year. 

The night Aaron gets the call about final casting, he’s is having dinner with Theo and Maryam. 

Theo smiles at him when he comes back from taking the call, “So who are your lucky co-stars?” 

She and Maryam don’t know any of the names, and insist on pulling up photos of each of them, “Just to see how much we want to visit the set.” 

They are wowed by the plethora of sexy photo shoots Maria has done, and complement Angelica. 

Aaron can only find a handful of photos of Alexander, headshots and instagram mostly, he’s too new on the scene for the type of publicity that leads to professional photo shoots. 

Theo leans over Aaron’s shoulder, looking as he scrolls further and further back in Alexander’s instagram, a mix of pictures of his friends and selfies. Aaron closes the app, feeling inexplicably embarrassed, but she just rests her chin against his shoulder and says, “He’s cute too.”   

Aaron shakes his head, and turns back to his dinner. 

#

During pre-production Aaron doesn’t have much contact with the other cast members. He runs into Maria during some makeup and costume tests, but none of the others. They do a table read for the pilot, but, because the first few episodes are only Aaron and Angelica, he mostly interacts with her. 

The first real interaction the full cast has is when, just before shooting, they do promo shots. Promo shots before they’ve really had a chance to settle into the character feel a bit odd, but then it’s not quite like they need to draw on too deep a sense of the characters for this. They do a series of bland shots of them standing around in their costumes in various groupings, and then a series on a rumpled bed, hinting at the various relationships that will unfold. Aaron and Angelica together, Maria and Alexander, then Aaron and Alexander, and finally Aaron in the middle of Angelica and Alexander. 

The photographer has a vision for how they should interact in these shots, and it’s a little awkward when she keeps asking Aaron and Alexander to inject more depth of longing. It makes Aaron uncomfortable in some way he doesn’t quite want to explore, but he smiles easily in the breaks, trying to maintain a relaxed atmosphere for the rest of the cast. That laid-back attitude is Aaron’s best and most consistent acting trick, and a gift he’s known for bringing to every set he works on. 

Angelica and Maria are both professional, Maria especially pleases the photographer with her practiced understanding of how to pose for a camera. Alexander is the least experienced of the four of them, but seems unbothered. He takes direction studiously, and jokes with Aaron about what Theo would think of some of the more compromising shots. Aaron laughs at his jokes, pretending for himself as much as anyone else, that there isn’t something about Alexander that makes Aaron nervous. 

Aaron worries over it later when he’s home alone, trying to pinpoint if it’s something about Alexander in particular, or just the situation in general. Alexander is handsome, but it’s Hollywood, he’s nowhere near the most handsome person Aaron’s ever worked with. Even so, there’s just something about him, something that makes Aaron’s stomach twist, something that makes Aaron’s gaze follow him, whatever it was that made the casting director sit back with a smug smile when they did their test scene together. But whatever it is, Aaron can’t let it distract him. 

#

Finally, filming starts. Nearly the entirety of the first four episodes of the show are just Aaron and Angelica, with Maria and Alexander’s characters only showing up in the fifth episode. This means that Maria and Alexander aren’t really around, but it also means the schedule is absolutely grueling for Angelica and Aaron since every moment of screen time is one or both of them. They live and breathe the shoot, and hardly any of it is easy stuff to film. 

The show tells a story about two people who wake up in a house in the woods and slowly realize that there’s something preventing them from escaping, even into death. They cycle through being suspicious of each other, trying to get away from one another, working together, getting to know one another, and then finally, desperately trying to make what they can of life, falling into bed together. 

The overall tone of the show is very much the slow pace of prestige television, with ample time spent on character interactions and reactions. It’s a great showcase for an actor, but exhausting as Aaron and Angelica spend weeks embodying terror, depression, suspicion, resignation, and then finish off with some carefully choreographed sex scenes. Aaron and Angelica become fairly close out of necessity more than anything. Not getting along would be a nightmare. Despite the similarity in their family histories, it seems like Angelica’s childhood was fairly normal, her parents insisting that if she wanted to act she could do so once she was an adult. She’d even gone to college and gotten a degree, something Aaron had never been able to consider. Still, they’re not unalike, both more likely to observe than lead a conversation. 

When production finally reaches episode five and Alexander and Maria’s character’s show up, it’s a huge relief. Not just because Aaron’s screen time is cut by nearly half, and suddenly he can do things other than work and catch what sleep he can, but both Alexander and Maria bring lively personalities to the set. The show itself is still somewhat grim, although the writers have done a good job of putting some witty dialogue in there to break up the darkness, but in between scenes Maria and Alexander shine. 

The second half of the season starts to move faster as the two new characters are added and the four characters gradually decide to trust each other and plan an escape. The final two episodes are action packed, offering up a last minute twist that changes the tone of the show in a more explicitly sci fi direction, as the characters realize that they are trapped in what seems to be something like an alien zoo.

In the midst of all of this, Aaron and Alexander’s characters have a nearly instantaneous connection which eventually leads to the start of a romance. This means that Aaron and Alexander spend more and more time together as their characters grow closer. In the down time, while lights are adjusted and sets rearranged, Alexander has endless questions about Aaron. Aaron doesn’t quite know how to handle the level of curiosity and enthusiasm that Alexander seems to bring to all his interactions. Aaron tries his best to keep things on a surface level, not to give away too much of himself to someone he’s really just met. This seems to frustrate Alexander, but Aaron’s not sure what he expected, or why he wanted it. 

Alexander, on the other hand, is only too willing to share details about himself and quickly Aaron feels like he knows Alexander’s life history. The story of his mother’s death, his immigration to the U.S, his determination to make it as an actor. Aaron even knows, not because Alexander announced it with any formality, but because he casually talks about his exes like it’s no big deal, that Alexander is bisexual. 

Aaron doesn’t understand how Alexander can be so open. Alexander says he wants to succeed in the business, but, as far as Aaron is concerned, you don’t give people that kind of leverage if you want to make it. Aaron isn’t going to do anything with the information, but not everyone is so kind. Someday Alexander will meet someone who wants a role or a bigger chunk of screen time enough to stab him in the back. If there’s one thing Aaron has learned in show business, it’s not to trust anyone outside your circle, but Alexander is an open book for anyone to read. 

#

Aaron’s Carey and Alexander’s Rafael eventually have their first kiss and, the day of filming, Aaron is internally a bit of a mess. It’s his first kiss with a man and it's going to be on camera. Of course, in that regard, it’s no different from his first kiss with a girl many years ago, so maybe it doesn’t have to mean anything. Aaron stubbornly doesn’t let his nervousness show, burying it beneath his usual easy attitude. 

Alexander seems to have no qualms, as thrilled and filled with energy as he is every day. He teases Aaron with exaggerated leers, asking Aaron how excited he is to get to kiss a hot piece like himself. Aaron just rolls his eyes. In theory, the kiss itself is no more sexy than any other screen kiss, careful poses, people standing all around monitoring every move. They have to do it several times for different camera angles. And it should be awkward, it should become rote, but somehow, each time Aaron pushes Alexander up against the fake trees of the set, it feels like there’s sparks everywhere that they touch. 

Aaron tries to act exactly as he had with Angelica, but after they break to set up for the next scene he worries that he’s given himself away, because Alexander is watching him with an uncharacteristically serious expression, jokes missing in action. Aaron smiles his blandest smile at Alexander, and suggests they get a coffee now that they don’t have to worry about offending each other with coffee breath. Alexander visibly pushes whatever thought led to that strange expression aside, and bounds after Aaron, already talking a mile a minute about the movie he watched over the weekend, Aaron safe for the time being.  

A week later Aaron and Alexander are filming their fake sex scene and, despite Aaron’s wishing it so, the sparks are not gone. Aaron maintains his professionalism, but being so close to Alexander, and perhaps even more, not so much Alexander himself, but being so close to the type of relationship that Aaron can never have, leaves him with an ache of longing. He texts Theo constantly in his free time, seeking her reassuring company, and the excuse not to talk to anyone. Alexander seems to pick up on Aaron’s mood, and for once keeps his distance.

Theo doesn’t ask Aaron then what the matter is, but does her best to distract him. Later, in person, she asks, but Aaron doesn’t know quite what to say because he can’t explain it even to himself. 

The first episode is planned to air just as they are finishing up filming. They divide their time between shooting the final scenes and doing promotion. Aaron and Angelica fly out to New York to do the east coast talk shows, and then back to L.A. for  _ The Tonight Show _ and interviews with what entertainment press they can get. The PR team has made the decision to initially promote with the two of them, and then do a second mid-season push with Alexander and Maria, following the arc of the story, so Alexander and Maria escape double duty.    

As the show starts airing, the critics seem to like it generally, and praise Aaron and Angelica’s performances specifically. Some people complain it’s too slow, or too much like  _ Lost, _ but overall people seem to find it compelling and it gets decent ratings that actually start growing as it gains a following.   

They wrap filming, and suddenly the people that Aaron had spent most of his waking hours with are off doing other projects. They all have each other’s numbers, and Maria texts once or twice, Angelica occasionally, and Alexander most of all, but it’s not the same as being with them. 

Maybe because he misses them, Aaron finds himself watching all of the interviews that Alexander and Maria give for the second wave of promotion. They make an amazing team, Maria clearly experienced in how to handle a talk show interview, and Alexander just naturally charming, pulling in the host and the audience. Aaron’s been in the business for a long time, and, watching the spark Alexander has on camera, Aaron is sure he’s going to be huge. 

Alexander seems equally sure of Aaron’s talent. He gets asked in nearly all of these interviews what it’s like getting his first big break, if he finds it intimidating. The first time he gets asked this, on  _ The Late Late Show,  _ he says, “Oh my god, it was totally intimidating. Someone like Aaron Burr, who’s been doing this forever? So, I was nervous of course. And then we came in later, and before our first episode I got to see some of the dailies that were coming back from set, and I was just blown away by the work they were doing.” He laughs, “Like, I’m supposed to live up to what Aaron was doing every day? Well if you’ve seen the show, you know how good he is.” 

Watching that clip makes Aaron’s face feel hot and his stomach twist. He tries to tell himself that Alexander’s just engaging in the usual Hollywood flattery and promotion, but nonetheless Aaron finds himself returning to the clip more than once. 

#

The week of the finale the cast gets asked to go back to  _ The Tonight Show  _ for one last promotional push _. _ Maria and Angelica are both out of L.A. filming for other projects, so it ends up being just Aaron and Alexander. 

It’s the first TV interview either of them has done since their characters got together on the show and of course Fallon asks about it. He asks the same tired question actors always get asked about playing gay - ‘what was it like, was it different in some way?’ Aaron says the same thing he’s said in the print interviews he’s done, a standard response to a standard question - the ‘why should it be any different than kissing a woman, it’s all acting’ response. In the earlier print interviews he’d done, this tired response had been enough to earn Aaron some praise for open mindedness. The idea of people praising him for doing so much less than he could, or perhaps even  _ should _ , fills Aaron with hollow guilt, but it’s a safe response and he sticks with it.

Of course then Alexander gets the same question. He should say some variation of what Aaron said, but instead he smiles that brilliant smile, and says, “Well to me it’s all the same. I’m actually bisexual, so gender isn’t really an issue. I’m just lucky I got to kiss such a handsome guy.” Here, he bumps his shoulder into Aaron’s teasingly. 

Aaron, plays along, casually rolling his eyes, as if he’d known Alexander was going to do that. Fallon is obviously surprised, most people don’t offhandedly come out on  _ The Tonight Show _ without even mentioning it in the pre-interview, so he’s probably never had to deal with this before. He struggles to come up with a new question and ends up sounding idiotic, “So you’ve dated both men and women?” 

Alexander is generous in his response, making the audience laugh without pointing out the stupidity of the question. Aaron smiles along, smoothly answers the last couple of questions, and waves to the audience, swallowing his anger, his fury that Alexander is risking throwing away his career, as if it wasn’t already hard enough to get jobs for a non-white actor, and now he’s adding this to it? These pressures have shaped Aaron’s career, his life, and Alexander doesn’t even seem to feel the barest hint of them. 

After they film the interview, Aaron and Alexander had planned to catch dinner. It’s the first time they’ve really hung out off the set and without the rest of the cast, but it’s been awhile since they’ve seen each other and it made sense when they planned it. Now Aaron is struggling to keep his anger neatly tucked away under his smile. He makes all the right conversational moves, asking Alexander about his life, telling Alexander a funny thing that happened to him and Theo last week. Casual and light, two friends catching up.

At the restaurant, a Thai place that Alexander claims is life-changing, they have to wait with a crowd to be seated. Alexander’s phone keeps ringing, and finally he turns it off with a laugh, “My publicist doesn’t seem to be happy. I wonder how she’s already heard?” 

“Probably Melissa,” Aaron ventures, thinking of the set expression on the face of the PR person the show had sent with them.

Alexander is preoccupied with shifting them further from the door of the restaurant, pushing into a corner of the waiting area, so they are out of the way of a new group of people entering the restaurant. It’s a busy place, clearly Alexander isn’t the only one who likes it. Eventually they’ve managed to wedge in the corner, Alexander leaning awkwardly against a wall covered in small, framed paintings, “Probably. Oh my god, did you see Fallon’s face?” He laughs. 

A surge of anger tries to rise in Aaron’s chest at this casual attitude, but he just rolls his eyes. Someone behind Aaron gets shoved and bumps into him, pushing Aaron into Alexander. Aaron steps back, as the person apologizes, and Aaron offers a forgiving smile over his shoulder. 

Still laughing a little, Alexander goes on, “My publicist might kill me, but it was totally worth it just for that confused-” 

He cuts off, peering at Aaron. He’s contemplating Aaron with a kind of focus that Aaron’s never seen from him outside of acting. Finally Alexander says, “You’re angry with me.” 

Aaron laughs, “Why would I be angry?” 

Alexander watches him carefully, and Aaron regrets that the crowd of the restaurant means that he can’t back away, can’t put some distance between him and Alexander. Alexander shakes his head once slowly, “I don’t know, but you are. You don’t look angry. You don’t sound angry. But, you are.” 

Aaron swallows, terrified that Alexander can see through him that easily. Theo and sometimes Maryam can figure Aaron out when he doesn’t want them to, and only after years of knowing each other. Even that insight, from his closest friends, seems like too much sometimes. Aaron tries another smile, “I’m not angry.” 

It’s a beat too late, and Alexander shakes his head, dismissing it, “What did I do? Is it about the interview?” 

And doesn’t Alexander have any caution at all? They’re in a crowd, and it might be a crowd of blasé Angelenos, but a lifetime of L.A. fame has taught Aaron the difference between someone who doesn’t know or care that he’s famous, and someone who’s only pretending. There are definitely some of the latter in this crowd, and in this age of twitter anything they say here could be online in seconds. Instead of answering Alexander’s question, Aaron leans a bit closer, casual expression still in place, and says softly, “I’m not having this conversation in public.” 

Alexander’s eyes widen slightly, and he peers around Aaron to the press of people as if he’s just now noticing them. After a moment of contemplation, he says, “Wait here a minute.” 

And then Alexander’s pushing through the crowd, leaving Aaron alone in a sea of strangers, some of whom are watching him carefully from the corner of their eyes. Aaron forces his posture to stay loose and relaxed, turning to take Alexander’s place against the wall. 

From there he can just catch glimpses of Alexander talking to the hostess. Aaron has no idea what Alexander’s saying, but he’s clearly charming her, and eventually she disappears back to the kitchen and returns quickly with a bag of takeout that Alexander pays for. 

He pushes back through the crowd to Aaron, and then says, “Come on.” 

Aaron follows him out, back to the car. Once they are safely inside, Alexander says, “I’m sorry. I forget you live in a spotlight.” 

Aaron shakes his head, “No. You forget  _ you _ live in a spotlight now.” 

Alexander laughs disbelievingly, “Well anyway, I thought you might be more comfortable with take-out. Is my place okay?” 

Aaron agrees, and then asks, “Did you just get her to steal someone else’s order?” 

“Maybe.”

Aaron leans back in his seat, as Alexander merges into traffic, “Fame is already going to your head.” 

#

Alexander’s apartment is nice, but the neighborhood feels busy and crowded compared to Aaron’s house in the hills. Even just getting to Alexander’s second floor apartment somehow involves greeting three adults, and one little girl who is liberally decorated with the mashed remains of a banana. 

Alexander doesn’t bring up Aaron’s anger initially. Instead he lets them make a good start on the food, and he extracts a concession from Aaron that the food is delicious. Aaron points out that they should really thank the poor person whose food they stole. “Jenny,” he reads off the receipt still stapled to the bag, “I applaud Jenny’s good taste.” 

Alexander just laughs at him. But when Aaron eats his last bite, and lays down his chopsticks, Alexander says, “So?” 

A part of Aaron had hoped that Alexander had forgotten all about it or decided to let it go, but of course Alexander doesn’t let things go. Aaron tries one last time, “What?” 

Alexander’s mouth twists into an unhappy shape, but otherwise he ignores that feeble attempt at escape, “It was the interview, wasn’t it? Is it because you’re worried about what people will think of you now, if you’re in scenes with me?” 

Aaron is horrified, “Jesus, no.” 

Alexander relaxes slightly, but he still looks wary, “Then what?” 

Aaron takes a deep breath, “I’m mad because you’re hurting your career. You’re so talented. You have  _ it _ .” Aaron gestures helplessly, unable to describe the mix of charisma and beauty that it takes to make it in Hollywood, and that Alexander has in excess, “But this world eats people up, and you’re just giving away ammunition. Making it harder on yourself.” 

Alexander’s face is a strange mix of expressions, and he doesn’t answer right away staring at Aaron. “Wow,” he finally says, “So on one level, it means a lot to me that you think I have a future here. That you care enough to get mad about it.” 

Aaron shakes his head, because how could Alexander doubt it, but Alexander continues, “But I can’t- I won’t pretend to be someone else just to make it.”

Aaron shakes his head for a different reason now, “We pretend to be other people for a living, Alexander.” 

Alexander looks at him thoughtfully, “It’s not the same though, is it?” 

Isn’t it? Aaron shrugs, “Yes and no. I just think, to do this job, they don’t have to get all of you.” 

Alexander nods. He’s watching Aaron too closely, too sharply, and Aaron is forced to do something he hates, “I mean, people are always assuming things about me and Theo, and that’s fine. We’re not going to go out there and correct them. We don’t need them to know every detail of our lives.” 

Alexander’s thoughtful expression fades, and he turns to cleaning up the remains of dinner, “Right. Well, it’s nice of you to worry about me, but I have to make my own choices. Are we okay?”

“We’re okay,” Aaron says, trying not to regret his misdirection. 

#

Alexander gets a boost in press, of course. It doesn’t do to seem anything other than accepting of same-sex attraction in Hollywood these days, but that’s the public face. Aaron has no doubt that it’s affecting Alexander’s script options in a less positive manner. 

They get renewed for season two, much to everyone’s relief. In the break before they start filming the second season Aaron has two films scheduled. He had signed on to the projects when he was flush with the power of making his own choice in picking to do television, setting his own path. Instead of the action film and romantic comedy that his aunt and uncle thought would be a good idea, would be well-paying, Aaron’s signed on two indies that  _ he _ thought sounded interesting. 

Aaron probably should have picked at least one project that his aunt and uncle would like, because before he leaves for filming they insist on having a family dinner where his uncle gives him avuncular advice while gripping Aaron’s shoulder, as if he can make Aaron follow it by the sheer force of his grasp. Even those bruises, the first in a few years, are probably less painful than his aunt stopping in the midst of her goodbyes to take Aaron’s face gently between her hands, and study him carefully, “You need to be more careful with your diet. That dinner...” she says sweetly, “You’ve definitely put on weight.” 

It’s an old worry of hers, based on those terrible teen years, that Aaron will let himself go, and become unmarketable. She’s always monitored his diet carefully, all through the fluctuations of adolescence, and Aaron still hears her voice in his head when he contemplates second helpings or dessert. He listens to that voice more often than not, so careful, and it stings to hear her disappointment. When the bruise on his shoulder has faded, that disappointment still echos in his head.  

Their campaign doesn’t end when Aaron’s out of town, his aunt starts calling semi-regularly, always with a new concern or a piece of advice to pass on from his uncle. If Aaron could talk to Theo about it they would find the humor in the situation, she would make him ignore the calls, delete some of the messages. But Theo has just released a new album, and is on a world tour. Aaron can hardly keep track of what country she’s in at any given moment. When they do get a chance to talk, it’s in little fragments, and he can’t imagine wasting any of their time on his aunt and uncle, or Aaron’s inability to assert himself. 

Aaron’s not going to complain to Maryam either, not when she’s missing him and Theo both. When they talk he does his best to cheer her up, telling whatever funny thing has happened on set, and trying to make it sound like a good time. 

In fact, the set is somewhat tense. Since production started there’s been a rift between the star and the director, who are unfortunately a married couple. This has led to everything from screaming fights, to an icy chill that pervades the whole set. Most of the cast and crew have formed into factions, either for the director or the star, but Aaron can’t bring himself to anger either group by taking a side. Instead, he finds himself more or less isolated from both, left alone with nothing to do but try to ignore the lingering insecurities left by his aunt’s worries and his uncle's judgements. 

Aaron is relieved when the shoot is over, and he goes straight into filming the next project, up in Vancouver. It’s a much calmer environment, but it’s a sports film of sorts, and Aaron’s character is a runner. Aaron spends more time running in the sun then he ever wants to experience again, and can barely do anything with his free time aside from sleep. The only upside to all the running and sweating in the sun is that there’s no way Aaron’s aunt can possibly nag him about his weight after this.

When Aaron returns to L.A., his aunt and uncle are still hovering, as if they can wind back time to when they had firm control over Aaron if they just make themselves present enough. Aaron is essentially their life’s work, so on some level he understands that they are concerned when he makes choices that could affect his career, but being around them and their constant advice, and critiques leave him feeling unsteady in a way he hasn’t felt in years. It seems ridiculous that they can get under his skin like this at twenty-five, that he can’t stop it, but their concentrated efforts are too much for him without Theo around. 

Aaron compensates for the way everything is suddenly off-kilter by tucking the feeling away as tightly as he can manage and focusing on the things he can control. When filming on the show starts again, Aaron throws himself into giving the best performance he can when the cameras are rolling. When the cameras are off he works on being pleasant to everyone on set, charming the crew, and making the long days feel as light as he can, a second performance that keeps him too busy to think. 

This dual role, seems to fool everyone. Everyone, but Alexander, who takes to watching Aaron with an odd expression on his face. Mid-way through the second week of filming Alexander seems to come to some conclusion, because he starts a campaign to cheer Aaron up. It doesn’t quite work out like Alexander probably hoped, because the mere idea of such a campaign implies that, once again, Alexander has seen through Aaron like no one else can, an idea that only makes Aaron want to hide more. How could bright, open, Alexander understand? How is Aaron giving himself away, and what else can he see? 

Alexander’s campaign has some other flaws, namely that Alexander doesn’t seem to have a very good sense of what would cheer Aaron up. First he tries jokes, funny stories, goofing off with the props. Aaron plays along, laughing and rolling his eyes like everyone else on the set, but Alexander doesn’t seem satisfied with that. Next he tries being very supportive, and complimenting Aaron’s work after nearly every scene. That’s more successful on some level, making Aaron feel warm inside, but it’s also embarrassing. So Aaron complements Alexander right back until Alexander flushes and gives up on that approach. Next Alexander tries food. He brings in a slice of cake, on the principle that “frosting cheers everyone up.” 

It’s the kind of thing that Aaron would never buy, would maybe only split with Theo, in the best of moods. Aaron should just play along, eat it anyway, but he can feel the phantom pressure of his aunt’s fingers on his face, see her disappointment, and it makes him feel ill to even think of it. He should just take the stupid cake, but he can’t make his hands move to the plate Alexander is handing him, much less imagine putting it in his mouth, and the moment drags on for a beat too long.

Whatever, Alexander sees on Aaron’s face makes him pull back the plate. He looks sad, but just says lightly, “On second thought, I don’t think I can give this away.” 

Alexander eats the cake himself, and Aaron feels a relief that’s embarrassingly profound. 

Even more embarrassing is the way that Alexander spends the next week not so subtly observing Aaron’s every meal. It is true that Aaron is careful about what he eats, but he eats an adequate amount of food, he doesn’t have a problem. He doesn’t say anything to Alexander though, anyone who’s been in the industry for more than a moment has run across someone who  _ does _ have a problem, and, in a way, it’s nice that Alexander cares enough to look out for Aaron. 

Finally, Alexander seems to give up on any structured plan to cheer Aaron up, which is a relief. Alexander settles on just spending a lot of time with Aaron, sometimes pulling him into long conversations, and sometimes just existing quietly together. Aaron can’t complain about having comfortable company, not when Theo is still off in Asia somewhere and, between his filming schedule and her court schedule, Aaron barely sees Maryam. 

The show offers its own distraction with an interesting second season. Although still very focused on human reactions and relationships, it has definitely swung in a more explicitly sci fi direction. The cast spends much more time pretending to see things that will be added in with CGI later, and two new regular cast members join them, Dolly Todd and James Madison, who, unfortunately for them, have to undergo hours of makeup to play alien characters. 

Aaron feels like he hardly gets to know Dolly and James before they’ve fallen into a passionate on-set romance. A terrible idea if anyone were to ask Aaron, especially on a TV show which could run for years more, making any break-up difficult. The four original cast members stick together, partially familiarity and partially trying to avoid being with Dolly and James when they try to make out through the facial prosthetics. Angelica’s logical take on everything, and Maria’s wry humor are their own comfort to Aaron, and he does his best to make them smile in return. 

#

The filming schedule is tight, and when they lose half a day of shooting to a problem with the lighting rig, it throws the whole schedule off. Scenes get reshuffled, and days get longer, but somehow they are still falling behind. Finally, one Friday night, in bed after a long day of filming already, Aaron gets a call to come into the next morning for an extra day of filming. The studio must be desperate to pay for extra weekend wages for the crew, but Aaron resigns himself to losing his day off, and doesn’t think too much of it. 

The next day Aaron arrives bright and early, and commiserates with the crew, smiling at the humorously exaggerated exhaustion of the women in the makeup trailer. 

Aaron’s scenes today are mostly with Alexander, who seems unusually quiet between takes. He’s pale under the makeup too, and the on-set makeup person keeps having to powder away sweat. Alexander just nods when Aaron asks if he’s okay, even though a short reply from Alexander is the surest sign that he’s not doing well. Finally they get a break while the set is reordered for the next scene. 

Alexander seems lost as the crew bursts into motion, rearranging set pieces and lights. They’re clearly in the way, so Aaron gently guides him away towards craft services. Aaron’s been adding up his observations, and now he asks, quietly, “Are you hungover?” 

Alexander makes a pathetic confirming sound, and then elaborates sadly, “I didn’t know we were going to be filming today. I didn’t get the message until way, way too late.”  

Aaron runs a hand soothingly over his back, and says, only half sarcastically, “Poor thing.” 

Alexander glares weakly, but Aaron just continues, “Let’s get you hydrated.” 

He guides Alexander to a table, where Alexander promptly puts his head down in his arms. Aaron collects a gatorade and whatever foods look likely to be easy on a hungover person, and returns. 

He sits next to Alexander who props himself up just enough to sip the gatorade, and nibble on some crackers. 

Angelica shows up, halfway through this, looking coolly put together, even in her scruffy costume. She doesn’t say anything, but raises one amused eyebrow at at Alexander who just glares back, and continues to carefully drink his gatorade. 

She and Aaron let him get on with it, having their own discussion without him, even when Alexander gives up on the food and just slumps into Aaron’s side, eyes closed against the bright room. 

Angelica raises her eyebrow again, now at Aaron, who just shakes his head and continues with the conversation, ignoring the vulnerable warmth of Alexander against him. 

When they have to get back to the set, Aaron gathers the remaining gatorade and crackers, and steadies Alexander, who sways slightly after getting up, “Come on, you’ve got this.” 

Alexander nods, looking grimly determined, although that might be just because he’s squinting in the light. 

He makes it through two more scenes, although in between he looks pretty rough. Angelica keeps her distance when possible, worried, Aaron suspects, that Alexander is going to puke on her. 

He does not do that, and finally they have a longer break. Alexander seems likely to just hide in the nearest, darkest place, so Aaron takes over again and leads him back to Aaron’s trailer, where he deposits Alexander on the couch with a fresh gatorade, gathers some things and makes the room as dark as possible. Aaron can’t quite achieve total darkness, and, when he turns back to Alexander, Alexander is slumped over with a hand over his eyes. 

Aaron sits on the other end of the couch and says, “Come here.” 

Alexander peeks dubiously at Aaron from under his hand, but Aaron just gestures at him impatiently, “Lay down for a minute.” 

Alexander gingerly twists around, glancing at Aaron one more time, and then laying his head carefully on Aaron’s lap as directed. 

The knot of Alexander’s hair digs into Aaron’s thigh, and when Aaron doesn’t push him off, Alexander sits up slightly and pulls it loose, sliding the band on his wrist. When he lays down again his hair spills over Aaron’s lap. 

Aaron tries not to notice, instead ringing out a cloth into a bowl of cold water, so it’s just damp, “Close your eyes.” 

Alexander complies and Aaron gently places the folded cloth over them, blocking out the light and offering a cooling touch at the same time. 

Alexander reaches up to adjust it, and his fingers skitter over Aaron’s for a second, before Aaron gets his hand out of the way, landing on Alexander’s hair instead. Aaron gives it an experimental stroke, and Alexander makes a small sound of contentment, so Aaron continues slowly, steadily running his hand through Alexander’s soft hair as the tension starts to leave Alexander. 

Aaron asks, “Do you think you can take a nap?” 

Alexander hums an assent, already sounding half asleep, and Aaron just continues stroking Alexander’s hair, until his breathing evens and deepens. 

When Aaron is sure Alexander is asleep, he takes the damp cloth off his face. 

Asleep, Alexander looks strangely blank. So much of who he is comes from the constant play of emotions on his face, and his perceptive gaze, and without those he seems a little like a stranger. 

Still, Aaron can’t help but study the soft fan of Alexander’s eyelashes, the gentle part of his lips. Aaron lightly runs one finger along the uncharacteristically still line of Alexander’s eyebrow, and then catches himself. 

The whole scene makes his heart twist in a way that’s strictly off limits, so Aaron forces himself to pull out his phone and pretend to be absorbed in twitter until they have to go back to set. 

Alexander seems a bit better after his nap, and manages to make it through the rest of the day with more ease. Even Angelica seems to stop worrying enough to allow him back in her space. Aaron focuses on his own acting, and does not think about the soft feeling of Alexander's hair, or his peaceful sleeping expression.  

#

The last few days of shooting season two are exhausting, especially because, no matter how many times they work extra hours, they still seem to be perpetually one or more scenes behind schedule. Midway through the final episode they’re all tired, and Aaron maybe most of all due to a long phone call with his aunt and uncle the night before about which projects he should be signing on, and if working on a television is hurting his brand, and, oh by the way, when are he and Theo getting married. The call had left him anxious, unable to sleep deeply, and he’s running on coffee and adrenaline today. 

The finale is a big action piece, lots of yelling and running, lots of careful on-set effects, and pretending to see the things that will be added in with CGI later, and the morning has already been a workout. It’s slow going, especially because they have the whole cast in these shots and have to do so many takes to get all the angles they need. Given this, they’re all grateful for a break, and are trudging in a tired huddle towards the trailers for some downtime, when someone calls Aaron’s name. 

He turns, expecting a PA with bad news about needing a reshoot or something, but it’s Theo, wearing a visitor's pass. Theo who isn’t supposed to be back until next week. She’s not wearing her popstar drag, face free of makeup, hair pulled up in a sloppy knot on top of her head, jeans and a t-shirt, and she’s the most amazing thing Aaron’s ever seen, “Theo!” 

She’s smiling broadly at him, and opening her arms for a hug, and he rushes to her, hugging her so tightly her feet lift off the ground. She laughs and hugs back just as tightly, “Aaron! I missed you.” 

He sets her down, “You  _ know _ I missed you.” 

Her smiles dims a little and she reaches up to touch his face, as if she can see there how tired he is, but just says, “Of course you did.” 

He can’t help but give her one more hug, feeling suddenly a hundred times lighter with his best friend back in his corner.

Theo hugs him back, but afterward she looks behind him and says, “Hello!” 

Aaron turns around and realizes with some surprise that the rest of the cast is still there. He’d completely forgotten about them in his excitement at seeing Theo, “Oh, sorry guys.” He throws an arm around Theo’s shoulders, “This is Theo.” 

She waves, and he starts at one end of the group, pointing, “This is Dolly.” 

Dolly seems overwhelmed under her make-up. She’s mentioned before how much she loves Theo’s music, but he’d forgotten about that in this moment, “Oh my god, it’s great to meet you.” 

Theo smiles and shakes her hand. 

“James,” Aaron points. Theo shakes his hand too. 

Aaron doesn’t get a chance to introduce Maria, apparently she and Theo have met before, and they exchange the sort of perfect air kisses that every woman in Hollywood seems to learn if given enough time. 

Angelica introduces herself, offering a firm no-nonsense handshake. 

Finally, trailing at the end, “Alexander.” 

Alexander has a strange expression on his face that Aaron can’t quite figure out, but it quickly disappears under a friendly smile as he reaches out to shake Theo’s hand, “It’s nice to finally meet you.” 

Theo smiles back, “Likewise, I’ve heard a lot about you.” 

“Same,” Alexander says.

Introductions made, they all start the slow trip back to the trailers, Theo taking Aaron’s arm, a long lived habit of theirs, initially to ensure the press bought their relationship, and now just a part of how they express their friendship. The rest of the cast is discussing the upcoming scene they have to shoot, but Aaron keeps getting distracted by Theo, and the conversation flows on around the two of them, “How did you get back early?”

“Oh, it was a whole drama. I was supposed to be doing an appearance for a video in England, you know?” 

“Right.” 

“Well, she had some total meltdown with the director and the whole thing is on the rocks. I said, if you figure this out I can green screen some stuff from L.A. or something, but I’m not hanging around an extra week for something that may or may not work out. Some of the rest of the team wanted to stay for the week, do tourist stuff, but I said, no thank you.” 

“Well, I know there are some people here that are very happy with that choice,” he means himself of course, but also Maryam who must have been thrilled. 

He takes her back to his trailer, and they talk about her tour, about Maryam, and she scolds him for letting his aunt and uncle get to him, just like he know she would, “You’re twenty-five, Aaron. You’re allowed to set boundaries and to make your own choices.” 

The time seems to fly by, and they make plans to have a late dinner with Maryam after filming wraps. She walks him back to the set, and he hugs her again as they part. 

Alexander is watching Aaron, when he turns away from Theo. Later, as they wait for the director to finish talking with the camera guys, Alexander says, “You really love her, don’t you?” 

Aaron looks at him quizzically, “Of course.” Of course he loves Theo, she’s his best friend, his longest friend. 

Alexander smiles, somehow sad, but says, “That’s wonderful.” 

Aaron tilts his head, trying to figure out Alexander’s strange expression, but before he can pinpoint it, the director is asking them all to take their places. 

#

Award season had already started with a high note for the show before the cast had even returned for filming. The first season had gotten three major Emmy nominations, for writing, for directing, and one for Angelica as a lead actress. Scheduling Angelica’s scenes around the flurry of interviews and appearances that accompany such a nomination had been part of what had thrown them off schedule, but it was amazing for a little science fiction show to get that type of recognition in its first season, and no one deserved it more than Angelica. 

None of the nominations turned into awards, but it had allowed them to promote the show as Emmy nominated, and given them more buzz. As they move further into awards season, Angelica is nominated again, first for a Critic’s Choice Award and then for a Golden Globe. Aaron, too, is nominated for each. It seems unbelievable to him that somehow he could go from  _ Surf Hotel,  _ through all those terrible films, to end up nominated for awards for his work. Theo goes with him to the award shows, keeping him from being overwhelmed just by being herself, and it’s not even a disappointment when he doesn’t win. Aaron truly does feel honored just to be included in the conversation with some of the other actors that are nominated and even the nomination could open doors for him. Angelica loses too, and after each show she and her date, a boring man with the boring name of John, commiserate with Theo and Aaron. 

Alexander was so thrilled for Aaron and Angelica that you would have thought he was the one nominated, but, soon after the Globes, Alexander lands something that might even be better, a role in one of the new  _ Star Wars _ films. It’s the kind of role that could make his career, cement him permanently in the public memory, and Aaron has never been more thrilled to be wrong. 

It starts filming in the spring, but Alexander’s strict exercise regime starts as soon as the contract is signed, preparing to play some contractually unspecified warrior type. Aaron and Alexander continue spending time together even after shooting for the season ends, so Aaron gets to watch the effects of this in person. Alexander complains that working out that much is deadly boring, but Aaron finds the results anything but. It’s a challenge not to let his eyes linger on the way Alexander’s shoulders broaden, and the increasing definition of his chest.

When Alexander leaves for the shoot, which is mostly taking place abroad, he keeps in touch with Aaron through a constant stream of texts and pictures. Alexander’s not supposed to photograph any of the sets or props, so his pictures are mostly of sunsets, random cast or crew, and himself. Alone, Aaron can linger over these photos as much as he wants, and he ends up with a hidden folder on his phone filled with an embarrassing number of Alexander's selfies. 

Aaron’s filming too. Based on the buzz from the show, he’s managed to land a leading role in a historical drama about black life in the civil rights era. It’s real Oscar bait stuff, a little tired, but it has a decent budget, and he manages to dig beyond the cliche and connect with his character. He sends the occasional picture to Alexander of him in the period costumes, to which Alexander always responds with a series of appreciative emojis. 

Aaron has a gap in between finishing that film, and starting on the third season of the show, and for some reason he feels slightly at loose ends in Los Angeles. He tries not to think about why, instead spending time with Maryam and Theo, and even managing to meet up with Angelica a few times. 

The network decides that this year the cast should make an appearance at Comic Con, so they all pile down to San Diego for a panel and some fan meetings. Alexander, of course, is double-booked with the  _ Star Wars _ film, and he’s come straight from the last days of filming overseas. He already seems tired by the time their panel happens, just barely making it there in time, but he hugs them all tightly, and manages to light up for the crowd.    

At the end of the day, a long exhausting day, Alexander tries to get the cast together to hang out, but Dolly and James are off somewhere, probably screwing, Maria is having a reunion with some people from her last show, and Angelica says she’s going to get a full night’s sleep. That leaves just Aaron and Alexander, and they decide to order room service and help themselves to the mini-bottles of alcohol in their hotel fridges. 

Aaron has spent the day trying not to stare at Alexander, trying not to be obvious about how much he’s missed him. On their panel, it had been a relief every time a fan had asked Alexander a question, because while he answered, Aaron had the perfect excuse for watching him, absorbing all the little details that have changed since Aaron last saw him in person, the slightly different length of his hair, the sun-darkened skin, and the tired lines on his face. 

Not staring becomes even more difficult when it’s just the two of them, so Aaron suggests they put on the worst movies they can find on television. Alexander agrees, and they half watch it, and half catch up on whatever hasn’t made it into their texts while they eat dinner. After, they work their way through the mini-bottles, recklessly mixing different alcohols and slowly melting into Aaron’s bed as they get more drunk. 

By the time they run out of bottles, Aaron has given up on the pretense of paying attention to the television, laying on his side, sleepily watching Alexander tell a story from the set that he’s probably not supposed to share, waving one hand in a loose drunken way, as he explains some space battle. Finally he finishes the story, and turns to Aaron for a response, but Aaron, between the alcohol, his tiredness, and the way the light from the television is playing over Alexander’s face, has lost track of the story. Instead of responding he just says, “I missed you.” 

Alexander’s expectant face softens into something fond, “I missed you too.” 

Aaron smiles, already halfway to sleep, and reaches out to squeeze Alexander’s arm. Slipping into sleep, Aaron doesn’t quite manage to complete the gesture, sliding the rest of the way under with his hand resting on Alexander’s arm, and Alexander’s dark eyes watching him. 

# 

They start filming the third season right after Comic Con. Their characters have all managed to escape their alien prison, and the season takes place nearly entirely on a spaceship. It should seem claustrophobic, but, after spending nearly all of the first season with one set and the woods, none of the original cast can complain. 

Theo, who has noted how much time Aaron has started to spend with Alexander, and to a lesser extent Angelica, suggests that Aaron consider having the cast over for a Labor day cook out. Aaron isn’t initially sure about the idea, but everyone he talks to seems enthused, so he invites the main cast and any friends or significant others to his house for a barbecue. The actual barbecuing is Maryam’s beat, she says no Californians really know how to barbecue and Aaron only twice points out that Michigan isn’t really known for its barbecue technique either, happy to cede the job to someone who actually wants it. 

It turns out to be a nice day, not too warm. Los Angeles in the fall can be searing, but today it’s only regular hot, and nothing nearby is on fire, so they enjoy a clear sky free of smoke.

Angelica brings boring John, and her much more interesting sister Eliza. Maria brings her latest flame, some “teen” heartthrob who might actually be older than Aaron. Dolly and James bring each other, somehow still not past the honeymoon phase. Alexander brings two of his friends that he talks about all the time, Hercules and Gilbert. It’s a decent mix of people, not all actors, and together they actually manage to have conversations not about the show, or acting life in general. 

Alexander’s friends seem fun, maybe a bit more rowdy than Aaron would generally gravitate towards, but nice under the loudness. Eliza is pretty amazing, she has a job at a national non-profit and a lot of interesting things to say about the world. Alexander and Aaron spend quite a bit of the earlier part of the gathering talking to her, until she and Angelica both leave responsibly early, mindful of the coming workday. 

Once they leave, Aaron and Alexander fall into a deep conversation about a new book that Alexander is making Aaron read. This lasts until Alexander’s friends finally insist they have to go, and Alexander, who is catching a ride with them, reluctantly has to leave with them. Aaron walks them to the door, politely thanking Hercules and Gilbert for coming to the party. Alexander lingers in the doorway even after his friends have gone outside, and Aaron lingers with him, set on making one last point. Time slips away from both of them, and eventually Theo comes up behind Aaron, wrapping an arm around his stomach and peering over his shoulder at Alexander, “I can’t believe you two are still here. We were looking for you, Aaron.” 

Alexander flushes and his gaze darts away from Theo, “Sorry! We got distracted.” 

Theo sounds like she’s smirking when she says, “I see that. No worries.” 

Alexander awkwardly waves at both of them, and finally turns to go, “Thanks for inviting us.” 

Aaron just rolls his eyes, “See you tomorrow.” 

Alexander offers a small smile, and then he’s gone. 

After he’s out the door, Aaron turns to Theo, “You needed me?” 

She just smirks at him, leaving him puzzled, but after everyone but Theo and Maryam have cleared out, she says, “So…” 

There isn’t really any context and Aaron just tilts his head, confused, “So...what?” 

Maryam laughs, somehow understanding in that way they have what Theo is driving at. 

Theo leans forward impatiently, “So, like how long has Alexander been into you?” 

Aaron’s stomach drops, “What?” 

Maryam laughs again, and says, “Really?” 

Aaron shakes his head, “You guys are seeing things.” 

Theo looks incredulous, “I don’t think so.” 

Aaron swallows, “You have to be. That- I would have noticed.” 

Somehow that makes Theo look sad, and she reaches over and pulls him into a hug, “I don’t know that you would.” 

Aaron leans into the hug, “I think this is just happy couple-hood seeing romance everywhere.” 

Maryam raises an eyebrow that signals her disagreement, but, much to Aaron’s relief, they let it drop. 

#

Over the next week Aaron watches Alexander carefully, looking for something out of the ordinary, some hint of what Theo and Maryam had seen, but on Friday, Alexander waits until Angelica is nowhere near, and then excitedly announces to Aaron that Eliza has agreed to go out with him that night. 

Aaron ignores the sinking sensation in his chest, forces a smile, and tells Alexander how wonderful that is. Of course it’s wonderful, Eliza’s a great person. For once Alexander doesn’t seem to see through Aaron’s smile, talking happily about the date he has planned, and all the interesting things Eliza had said at the party.  

That night, trying not to think about Alexander and Eliza smiling warmly at each other over some shared dessert, Aaron admits to himself that the most likely answer to this puzzle is that Maryam and Theo were just picking up on his own longing. They saw two people circling each other and simply misinterpreted the direction of interest. It was probably an easy mistake to make, Alexander friendly with everyone, and Aaron working so hard to hide his feelings even from himself. Trying to deny his affection despite the collection of photos on his phone, the irrational upset he feels at the idea of Alexander and Eliza together, and the way he feels himself turning towards Alexander every time he enters a room, like a plant turning to the sun. Hopefully, Alexander hasn’t noticed any of it, safe in the assumption that Aaron and Theo are together. 

Aaron’s affection for Alexander, as overwhelming as it feels in this moment, can’t matter. Aaron isn’t going to come out, and, even if Alexander would hide, it’s too much of a risk. Aaron might be doing better at dealing with his aunt and uncle now, but he can’t imagine ever telling them this, much less ever telling the press, the fans. It’s impossible. Alexander and Eliza will probably be excellent for one another, they’ll date, they’ll marry, they’ll have perfect little children, and be oh so happy. It’s so much better than anything that Aaron could ever offer Alexander, and in time Aaron will be happy for him too. 

Apparently the date goes well, because soon Alexander and Eliza are regularly dating. She comes to the set twice to visit Alexander and her sister, and she’s as sweet and smart as Aaron remembers. Aaron genuinely likes her, he genuinely thinks they’ll be good together, and he’s so close to being happy for them. Any day now. 

#

Before it seems possible they’re filming the end of the season, the finale even bigger than last year. It’s both a big space battle, necessitating lots of practical on-set effects and CGI imagination, and the culmination of careful development for all of their characters. Aaron is thrilled with getting to work on both aspects. Alexander jokes that space battles are his new life’s work. 

It’s a turning point in the relationship between their two characters too. Alexander’s Rafael had still been perfectly willing to leave Aaron’s Carey behind at the end of the last season when things got tough, but over the course of this season feelings have deepened, and the decision he has to make when they start losing the battle is much more difficult. Aaron and Alexander are scheduled to film a big, dramatic scene, a relationship fight in the middle of the space battle, as the two characters have to decide whether to abandon ship, disagreeing about what is right, as the ship falls apart around them.

It’s the kind of scene that requires a lot of emotion and a lot of concentration, but because it takes place in the middle of a space battle they’re expected to hit all the right notes while practical effects create the illusion of explosions all around them. That takes it’s own kind of concentration, since they’ll need to stay on their marks or risk injury, but Aaron has done any number of action films, and Alexander is just coming off his  _ Star Wars  _ experience, so they’re both prepared. 

They pay careful attention to the instructions from the effects team, and hit all their marks in the right order. They have to do the scene at least twice for coverage. The first take goes well, high emotion, perfectly timed effects, and the director is pleased. 

Resetting for the second shot takes a while, but when they finally start again Aaron and Alexander hit the notes just as well the second time. Aaron’s character is just reaching the big moment, where he tearfully tells Rafael to go without him, when there’s a noise - a bang, louder than any of the effects are suppose to sound, and then another even louder noise, and everything goes dark for a moment. 

Aaron gradually realizes that actually nothing’s gone dark, it was only that his eyes were closed, and he’s fallen, he’s somehow on the ground. Aaron’s not sure how he got here, but he thinks he should get up. There’s a piece of what he slowly realizes is the set on his chest. Just as that realization solidifies, suddenly Ruth, one of the sound crew, is there, lifting it off. She says, “He’s awake,” but she doesn’t seem to be talking to Aaron. She’s always so steady and confident, no matter how behind schedule they seem to be falling, but now she looks worried and pale. Then she  _ is  _ talking to him, “Hey Aaron, can you tell me if anything hurts?” 

And as if she’s invoked it, as if it was hiding until someone called it into being, Aaron feels a burning, ripping, tearing pain. It’s so big at first, that Aaron can’t even tell where it’s coming from, much less answer Ruth, but, as she lifts a large piece of plywood that used to be a carefully painted spaceship wall off of him, she says feelingly, “Oh shit.” She’s not talking to him, as far he can tell, this time she’s not talking to anyone but herself. 

More people start to swarm around him, and one of them begins roughly applying pressure to Aaron’s leg, answering where exactly the pain is coming from. Aaron is starting to miss the haze of a minute ago, things are getting sharper and sharper, and so is the pain, pulsing in time to his rapid heartbeat. The person working on his leg, jostles it again, and a new wave of agony roils over Aaron, flooding through him unbearably. He twists to one side, luckily no one there, and brings up everything in his stomach as if his body thinks it can retch out the pain. 

When it’s over, Alexander is there kneeling by his other side. Aaron hadn’t even consciously been able to worry for him, but, seeing him now, Aaron feels a sense of relief. Alexander is pale, and there’s a cut along one cheekbone, an inch or two higher and it would have been his eye, but Alexander doesn’t even seem to notice it. Instead he’s focused on Aaron. As soon as Aaron’s eyes land on him, Alexander takes Aaron’s hand, and starts talking. None of it makes much sense, but it distracts Aaron from the crowd around his leg, and the glimpse of a large piece of metal deeply embedded in his thigh, and of the growing pool of blood under it. 

Aaron tries to focus on Alexander, on his hand, his voice, his face, all holding Aaron here, even as the tsunami of pain tries to sweep Aaron under. As he focuses, Aaron finds himself gripping Alexander’s hand too tightly, causing to Alexander to wince, the expression exaggerated by the line of blood on his face. Guilty, Aaron tries to loosen his grip, tries to say sorry, although the sound that emerges doesn’t bear much resemblance to a word, but Alexander just covers their clasped hands with his other hand, “No. Hold on as tight as you need, Aaron.”  

Aaron can’t quite manage a nod, and won’t try another word, so he just focuses on Alexander, and their joined hands, trying to ignore the pain, the blood, and the determined attempts to stem it. Trying to ignore the small crowd of concerned crew, including Angelica and Maria, Maria clinging to Angelica who is watching the whole thing with a stoic expression. 

Finally there are sirens and EMTs appear. The crowd of people around Aaron dissipates, as the professionals take over, but Alexander hovers in the area, and Aaron is grateful for it. Even as the paramedics get Aaron onto the stretcher, Aaron focuses on Alexander rather than whatever’s happening with needles and blood. The director seems to want Alexander to stay, as if they can start filming, but Alexander gestures at the crushed set. Then Angelica marches up and points to the cut on Alexander’s cheek, saying something angrily, and the director apparently concedes the point, because Alexander follows Aaron out, and clambers into the ambulance with him, taking his hand again. 

As they pull away from the lot, the EMTs give Aaron some pain medication. It doesn’t take away the pain, but reduces it to waves crashing into a rocky shore, not a tsunami, and Aaron relaxes his grip on Alexander’s hand to merely tight. Alexander holds his gaze, and babbles away, in a conversation between him and his imagining of what Aaron would say. Aaron tries to follow it, but it’s becoming harder and harder to focus, everything starting to seem cold and slow. He feels himself slipping under the tide, even as Alexander calls his name. The last thing Aaron sees before he goes under is Alexander’s worried face. 

#

When Aaron wakes, he’s in a hospital bed, and there’s a haze of medication between him and the pain. There’s no more frantic motion around him, so he has to assume things are going better. Alexander is still by his side, but dozing in a chair. At some point, the cut on his cheek has been cleaned and carefully taped shut with butterfly bandages, although whatever time has passed is enough for the beginning of a spectacular bruise to start blooming around it. 

On Aaron’s other side, holding his hand, is Theo. She’s awake, but she looks tired, staring aimlessly at the muted television. He squeezes her hand, and she turns with a small gasp, “Aaron.” 

He tries to answer, but his mouth feels like someone glued it shut. She seems to understand, and gives him a small sip of water, “Sorry, they said only a little at first.” 

It’s enough, and he manages, “Hey.” 

She smiles, and for the first time Aaron sees, around her eyes, just the smallest hint of where someday wrinkles are going to form, “Hey.” The smiles drops away, “You scared me.” 

Aaron tries a sentence, and finds it successful, “It wasn’t exactly the plan.” 

“A likely excuse.” 

He tries a smile, and finds that successful too, “What’s the prognosis?” 

She takes his hand again, “You were pretty lucky. Bruised ribs from a piece of the set, some other scrapes and bruises, and of course the leg. Luckily the metal missed the artery, that was a real concern at first. They did some surgery to repair the muscle, and you’re going to be in for some serious physical therapy time to get back full use. But, you didn’t die, and you should be able to fully recover.” 

“Good news. And everyone else?” 

“You two were the only ones in the crossfire,” she says, gesturing towards Alexander, who is still sleeping soundly, “He got that cut and some bruises, but otherwise he’s okay. Only you managed to get impaled.” 

Aaron turns to watch Alexander, comforted obscurely by his steady, slow breathing. 

A small silence opens up, but after a bit Theo says, “He hasn’t left. He was so worried.” 

Aaron doesn’t say anything, just watching Alexander sleep. 

Finally she stands up, “I’m going to go get a nurse, you should wake him up and let him know you’re okay.” 

Before Aaron can really protest she’s gone. He supposes she’s right, Alexander should get a chance to go home and sleep in a bed. Alexander’s chair is close enough to Aaron that he’s able to reach out and touch Alexander’s arm, “Alexander?” 

It takes a firmer touch and a repetition of his name, but finally Alexander stirs, blinking blearily into the room, until he sees Aaron looking at him, and he quickly sits up, “Aaron!” 

Aaron smiles at him, “Hi.” 

Alexander smiles back tentatively, and then winces when the smile pulls at the damage under his eye. 

Aaron, winces back in sympathy, and reaches out to gently touch underneath the bruise, “Will it scar?” 

Alexander shakes his head, causing Aaron’s fingers to gently brush back and forth against his cheek. 

Aaron pulls his hand back, and Alexander looks across the room as if suddenly remembering something, “Where’s Theo?” 

Aaron follows his gaze, “Oh, she went to report to a nurse.” 

Alexander nods, “How are you feeling?” 

Aaron considers, “Drugged. You?” 

“Better now,” Alexander says, still watching Aaron. 

“Thank you for being here.” 

“Of course.” 

“You should go home and get some sleep though.” 

Alexander seems like he might fight it, but just then Theo and the nurse sweep in and the room starts to feel crowded, so he makes his goodbyes, squeezing Aaron’s hand once more, and giving Theo a hug before he leaves. 

Aaron answers the nurse’s questions, and, not long after, manages to convince Theo to go home as well, drifting back to sleep himself. 

#

Over the next couple of days, Aaron receives more visitors than he ever would have guessed, Dolly and James, Maria and Angelica, producers, and some of the crew, including the effects team who apologize profusely, even though it was apparently an equipment failure. More expectedly Theo, Maryam, or Alexander are nearly always there. Aaron’s aunt and uncle make an appearance, although luckily they come in while only Theo is there, so Aaron doesn’t have to inflict them on Alexander. 

The accident made the entertainment news, and Aaron’s publicist has him post the most alert selfie he can manage from a hospital bed, in an effort to reassure his fans. Alexander also posts a selfie, showing off his bruise, and causing a minor outbreak of fan terror at the idea of permanent damage to his face.

Sooner than Aaron would have thought possible when he was laying on the studio floor bleeding, Aaron’s moved to a rehab facility. His three regular visitors continue to be present through the sometimes awful physical therapy process. 

After a particularly grueling session, Alexander is helping Aaron back into bed, seemingly endlessly patient with the process, even when Aaron is frustrated. When Aaron’s finally settled in the bed, and has caught his breath, he has to say, “You don’t have to spend all this time here you know. I bet Eliza misses you.” 

Alexander has turned to get Aaron a cup of water. His shoulders tense up, but with his back to Aaron his expression is a mystery as he says, “We broke up.” 

Aaron tries to smother the part of himself that’s only glad, “I’m so sorry.” 

Alexander turns back to hand him the cup of water, “It’s fine. We’re still friends I think. We just weren’t going to work out romantically.” 

Aaron takes the water, “So Angelica isn’t going to be out for blood?” 

A laugh, “I don’t think so.” He looks tired for a minute as he takes a seat next to Aaron, “Maybe a little.” 

Aaron smiles, “I’ll protect you.” 

Alexander pointedly looks at Aaron, exhausted in the hospital bed, “I can see that you’re a real threat right now.” 

“Wait and see, wait and see.” 

Alexander just shakes his head, looking fond.

#

In the meantime, the studio has rebuilt the sets, and filmed any scene they can manage without Aaron. The director and writers have worked together to tweak the script so that, for the handful of scenes they still need Aaron to do, they can mostly shoot from the waist up. 

Aaron’s return to set is met with applause from everyone present, which Aaron finds highly embarrassing, but sweet. Aaron’s still on crutches, and Alexander’s hovering a bit, but, like the applause, Aaron mostly finds it sweet. 

The director decides to shoot the one wide shot they still need first, before Aaron gets too tired. Aaron carefully balances his weight on his one good leg, all the blocking redone so that he doesn’t have to move, and the camera carefully obscuring the way he’s keeping the other leg off the ground. He and Alexander manage to find the beats they’d been hitting before, and the director only makes them do two takes. 

The moment they aren’t rolling, a crew member hands Aaron his crutches, and Alexander is off his mark, fussing over Aaron. Aaron doesn’t even have the energy to pretend to be annoyed at the hovering. It seems that literally doing his job while standing on one leg is more than a bit draining. 

The rest of the scenes have been designed so that Aaron can sit on a tall stool that puts him at his normal standing height. His leg is still aching by the end of it, but it’s better than actually standing. He and Alexander have one final kissing scene, a dramatic goodbye when Rafael decides to leave without Carey. It’s probably the most awkward one they’ve done so far, Aaron on a stool trying to give the impression of standing, and their movement limited so that the remains of Alexander’s bruise are off camera. They manage to make it look dramatic on camera, but in between takes they keep slipping into giggles. 

Finally they finish filming and have the satisfaction of knowing the season is receiving positive reviews and good ratings, even though last season didn’t lead to any major award nominations. Alexander’s  _ Star Wars _ film is coming out at Christmas time, so once filming is over, he’s immediately launched into a worldwide PR campaign. He still finds time to text Aaron often, checking in on his ongoing recovery. 

Aaron has a bit of Oscar buzz for his historical drama, so his team insists that he make himself visible, and he soon finds himself attending a steady stream of red carpets and Hollywood celebrations of Hollywood. Theo attends with him, sparkling for the camera, and letting him lean on her when his leg starts to hurt, but he keeps catching her watching him, with a preoccupied expression. 

Whenever he asks her about it she just smiles and says they’ll talk about it later. ‘Later’ comes after the nominations are in and Aaron is not nominated. He’s not shocked, it was a stacked field and he still has  _ Surf Hotel  _ and a long history of projects more about money than art as the foundation for his reputation, and reputation is a large part of who gets nominated. 

‘Later’ is Theo bringing takeout to Aaron’s house, and nervously not eating it. Aaron is trying to let her move at her own pace, but finally he can’t help but say, “Just tell me. Are you okay? Is Maryam okay?” 

Her eyes fill with tears, but she nods, “We’re both fine. Everyone is fine.” 

Aaron lets out a relieved breath, “Okay then. It can’t be that bad, just tell me what’s going on.” 

She impatiently wipes the tears away and nods again, “I’m just going to say it.” 

“Okay.” 

She takes a deep, shaky breath, “I think we should break up.” 

He didn’t expect that, and it’s like a blow. He’s relied on his public relationship with Theo for so long, deflecting attention, always giving him someone to take to events. His mind is already spinning, trying to figure out the implications of losing all of that, but she goes on, “I’m so sorry. I know we have a deal.” 

Theo’s crying again, and, whatever Aaron’s feeling, he can’t stand the sight of her hurting. He pulls her into a hug, “Hey, hey. It’s fine. We made that deal along time ago, we were kids.” 

She nods into his chest, and takes a few seconds to breathe before she leans back, seemingly feeling the need to explain herself, “It’s just- it’s been over a decade, we’re not that far from thirty, and the thing is, Maryam and I really want to have children. We want to have children that don’t have to be confused over who their parents are.” 

He smiles at her, “That’s great. I’m going to spoil them so much.” 

She smiles back, watery, but, now that she’s started, she goes on, “I know we’re at different places in our careers, you’re just getting to do the stuff you want, but for me I’ve had so much success. If I come out and that’s it? Well, I had a good run.” 

She pauses, and blinks back some more tears, but can’t stop her voice from cracking as she says, “And I’m tired. I’m tired of hiding, of pretending.” 

“Hey, of course.” 

She tilts her head at him, “Do you ever…do you ever think about it? About coming out?”

The very idea makes his chest feel tight, but he tries not to let the panic show when he says, “No, I don’t.” 

She doesn’t push, just swipes away the moisture on her face and says briskly, “Right. We’ve been working on how to keep it just about me. I don’t want to hurt you with this.” 

She explains the plan, and it seems reasonable enough to Aaron, although he wants to run it past his team first. 

He reassures her that he supports her, that he isn’t mad, and she finally eats some of her dinner, and then leaves, parting with a lingering hug, “You’re the best friend I could have asked for.” 

He hugs her back tightly, “Same.” 

After she leaves, he feels restless. He leaves a message to schedule an appointment with his agent and publicity team, but that will have to wait until tomorrow at least. He doesn’t even want to admit how afraid the idea of being without Theo leaves him. Afraid for his career, afraid of what his aunt and uncle will say, and afraid of being alone, a fear that’s followed him since childhood, since his parents left him, since Sally left. Even if he and Theo weren’t  _ really  _ a couple there was something about people believing that she would chose him, that she was by his side, that comforted him. 

Finally, he can’t take the silence of his house any more, and, before he’s really quite sure how, he’s outside Alexander’s place. 

Alexander has only gotten back from Asia and the last leg of the promotional tour for  _ Star Wars _ today. Aaron had been going to let him sleep off the jetlag before he visited, but instead here he is. When Alexander answers the door he looks exhausted, but pleased to see Aaron. Aaron smiles at him, and the happy look drops off Alexander’s face, “What’s wrong?” 

Aaron realizes that he used his carefully practiced public smile, the one that hasn’t worked on Alexander since only a few months after they met, the one that Aaron hasn’t bothered with in a year. Aaron might as well have held up a sign that says, ‘I’m not okay, ask me why.’

Aaron shakes his head, “Nothing so important I can’t say, ‘Welcome back’ first.” 

He pulls Alexander into a hug, and Alexander goes willingly, but when it ends he leads Aaron back to the couch and says, “Okay, I feel welcomed. What’s wrong?”

Aaron sits on the side of Alexander’s couch that has somehow become his. He doesn’t want to look at Alexander, but as soon as the words, “Theo wants to break up,” tumble out, his gaze darts to Alexander involuntarily. 

A series of emotions chase each other across Alexander’s expressive face, Aaron can’t quite interpret them, blank, something, guilt? Finally, he settles into an expectedly sympathetic expression, “Oh, Aaron. I’m so sorry.” 

His sympathy is too much for Aaron, who is suddenly unsure why he came here. To lie to someone he cares about? He can’t do it, “You don’t understand.” 

Alexander looks puzzled, “What don’t I understand? Why does she want to break up?” 

Aaron can’t look at him anymore, “You’ll hate me.” 

“I can’t believe that,” Alexander says cautiously. 

Aaron swallows, still looking at his own hands, “It’s not exactly that she wants to break up, she just wants to tell people that we broke up.” 

“She-” 

“Because we were never together.” 

He makes himself look at Alexander, who still seems confused, “You love her. It’s obvious.” 

Aaron shakily smiles, “Of course I do. She’s my best friend. We met when we were sixteen, that’s all true. Two scared, queer kids trying to make it in an industry that didn’t want them.” 

Understanding and shock wash over Alexander’s face.

Aaron’s smile twists, “So. We pretended. It seemed like the perfect solution. It  _ was _ the perfect solution for a long time.” 

Alexander’s face has gone blank, “What changed?”

“Theo and Maryam want kids, and they’re tired of hiding.” 

“Maryam...” Alexander says thoughtfully. 

“Oh. Yes. They’ve been together for twelve years, through all this bullshit. Now that’s love.” 

Alexander’s face is still blank, “And you?” 

“Me?” 

“She has Maryam…”

“Oh. No I don’t- No. It’s just me.” 

Alexander pauses, seeming to pick his words carefully, “And are you...tired? Of being alone?”

The one lie Aaron wants to be able to tell is ‘yes’. ‘Yes, I’m fed up with lies,’ ‘Yes, I’m as strong as you, as strong as Theo.’ but Aaron’s not strong. He’d rather tell a hundred falsehoods than face any part of the fallout of honesty. So he tells Alexander the one truth he’d rather not share, “No. I’m not brave like you, Alexander. It’s too much of a risk, I can’t.” 

Alexander nods. Then he gets up and disappears into the kitchen, leaving Aaron staring helplessly at his back. He returns in a moment with a glass of water for Aaron. It only takes a few more words exchanged before Aaron realizes that Alexander’s shutting him out. It’s like he’s come back from the kitchen a different person. The Alexander who went in was cautiously neutral, but the one that came out is sympathetic. Sympathetic, but it’s a false sympathy, a careful, fake veneer over whatever Alexander is hiding. Aaron can see it clearly even though Alexander has  _ never _ been fake with Aaron before. It hurts, but it feels earned. Aaron has lied to Alexander, he’s been weak where Alexander is strong, and it’s no wonder that Alexander doesn’t want to comfort him. 

Aaron plays along, hiding behind the mask that he knows Alexander can see right through, but not having any other defense against this. He doesn’t stay much longer, saying that Alexander needs to catch up on sleep after all that travel, and Alexander, smiling falsely, agrees. 

Aaron says goodbye, and then, before Alexander can close the door, “I’m sorry I lied to you.” 

Maybe he hoped that bit of honesty would break past the distance that’s opened between them, but the hurt expression that slips past Alexander’s mask is quickly corralled, leaving only smooth pleasantness behind, “I understand.” 

Heart sinking, Aaron smiles back, and goes. 

At home, in his empty house, Aaron feels more alone than he has in years. He knows he’s overreacting, Theo and Maryam aren’t really going anywhere, and Alexander’s friendship always had an expiration date on it, Aaron was the one that decided that tonight was the night to pull the trigger. If Aaron is down a friend, it’s his own fault.  

#

The actual break up announcement goes as well as can be expected. Theo and Maryam get a soft-focused article in  _ People _ , and everything is carefully phrased to make it seem like a recent relationship. “Aaron and I have had so many good years, but we met so long ago and things change,” and “He’s still my best friend. My relationship with Maryam was so new and he agreed to play along until we were ready to come out,” are some of the true, but unrelated statements that paint the picture her PR team has put together. 

Aaron gets some sympathetic press, and does a couple of interviews where, in the midst of the careful lies, he honestly highlights how happy he is for Theo, and that he’s proud of her for sharing her truth with the world. 

The media and the fans seem to buy the story. The largest effect for Aaron is that he has to attend PR events alone, and his aunt seems determined to both let him know what a terrible person she thinks Theo is, and to start the search for a new girlfriend. 

And, while all of this unfolds, Alexander is absent. His absence only makes it clear what a large part of Aaron’s life he’d been. How much time they’d spent together when they were both in L.A., how many texts, phone calls, and pictures had passed between them when they were apart. It’s all gone now. 

Of course Alexander is filming abroad, another  _ Star Wars  _ movie, but the distance hadn’t stopped them last year. Aaron tries once or twice to get in contact, but the bland responses he receives convince him to stop. It’s his own fault, and he knows it. 

Aaron has his own projects to occupy his time. He’d planned on being quite busy this break, and now it’s a great diversion, even as the press speculates he’s trying to distract himself from a broken heart. Wrong, and yet somehow right. 

Aaron needs to work, to keep busy, because if he’s faced with too much free time he starts to wonder, to imagine what would have happened if he’d been braver, if he lived in some other world where he was different. What if he’d come out, would Alexander still be talking to him? Would he have kept a friend? 

Even in these fantasies he can’t conjure up more, can’t imagine confessing his interest to Alexander and having it returned. But, aching with Alexander’s absence, Aaron wishes that he could be good enough just for Alexander’s friendship, could be strong enough, genuine enough. 

#

Of course, no matter how much either of them might want it, Aaron and Alexander can’t avoid each other forever. The cast of the show does Comic Con again, and it’s awkward. Alexander keeps disappearing to hang out with his  _ Star Wars  _ friends, leaving Aaron to realize once again how much time the two of them spent together. 

Angelica takes pity on Aaron, letting him tag along with her in their downtime, but sticking to her sensible schedule leaves Aaron with a lot of free time to contemplate how awkward the next season of the show is going to be. Aaron and Alexander’s characters are still involved, supposedly falling deeper in love, and Aaron doesn’t look forward to portraying that with someone who, if at all possible, won’t even look directly at him. 

It’s not that Aaron hasn’t played romance with someone who didn’t particularly like him before, but never with Alexander. They’d gotten along since the first time they met, and now Aaron’s going to have to kiss him, pretend to want him, to love him, all the while hiding the truth of it, with Alexander resenting every moment. 

Aaron and Alexander manage to get through Comic Con without comment from anyone about their new iciness, but, back in Los Angeles, the table read for the first episode is rough. Aaron tries to play oblivious, to play open and friendly, and maybe Alexander is trying too, but he’s distant, and he’s obviously uncomfortable around Aaron. By the end of the session, it’s clear to everyone there that something is wrong, but it’s clear to  _ Aaron _ that he still doesn’t know how to fix it. 

Alexander sweeps out as soon as it’s over, leaving Aaron to face everyone’s speculative looks by himself. The producers are conferring, probably trying to decide what, if anything, to say, but before that awkwardness can unfold fully, Angelica is pulling Aaron out of the room with her. She marches down the halls of the production studio until she finds an empty room populated only by an unmatched assortment of chairs. Aaron can’t quite tell if she knew this was here, or was just incredibly lucky, but she points at a chair and he takes it, unwilling to argue with her. 

She sits across from him, “What’s going on?”

His first, pointless, impulse is to dissemble, “What do you mean?” 

She doesn’t even acknowledge that, “Look, Aaron, I like you. I think you’re a good guy. But if this is about you getting your straight boy feelings in a twist because Alexander made a pass, you can just leave that shit behind.” 

Aaron leans back, shocked, “That’s not- He didn’t.” 

She looks confused now, so he tries again, “I’m pretty sure Alexander wouldn’t date me if I was the last person on the planet. That’s not what happened.” 

She narrows her eyes at him, “Okay….so?”

He shakes his head, “I like you too, Angelica, but how is this your business?” 

She observes him for a minute, “Because who else are you going to talk to? You apparently aren’t talking to Alexander, and you just broke up with your best friend slash fake girlfriend.” 

He brushes that aside, “We didn’t break up being  _ friends _ .” 

But she’s not listening to him, a study in realization and surprise. Maybe he should have quibbled with her wording, “Oh my god. Your  _ fake girlfriend _ .” 

He freezes, then curses himself and immediately tries to relax, because what could be a bigger tell than tensing up? It doesn’t work because she goes on, “Does Alexander know?” 

He should play dumb, he could laugh, he could push away the idea with a smooth smile, but he’s suddenly too tired for any of it, and instead he just nods tightly. 

She reaches out and squeezes his hand, “Hey. I’m not going to say anything.” 

He nods again, because what choice does he have but to trust her? 

Her puzzled expression has returned, “Okay, but then what’s going on with you and Alexander?”

He’s puzzled right back at her, “Obviously he hates me for being a coward, and for lying to him?” 

She seems to be giving that serious consideration, but then she says, “I don’t buy it.” There’s another thoughtful pause and then she asks, “Aaron, are you- do you like Alexander romantically?” 

His face feels hot, and he looks away. He’s giving away every part of himself here, but if he can’t confirm, he won’t deny Alexander. 

“Oh,” she says, soft as if, even after asking the question, she’s surprised to be right. “Look, I don’t want to betray any confidences, but I’m telling you, Alexander doesn’t hate you, and I think you guys should really try talking again.” 

He looks at her sharply, heart beating double time, “What does that mean?” 

She refuses to tell him any more, just insists that he should talk to Alexander, “At least try to make it a little less awkward for the rest of us, okay?” 

#

Aaron waffles back on forth on what to do, but, in the end, Angelica’s confidence mixed with the knowledge that he can’t let this situation weigh on the rest of the cast, leads him back to Alexander’s apartment. 

The last time Aaron was here it led to nothing but pain, but he forces himself to ring the buzzer. Alexander sounds first surprised to hear it’s Aaron, and then distant, but he rings Aaron in. By the time Aaron arrives at his door, whatever emotion Alexander is feeling is safely tucked away behind that same friendly, impersonal mask. Studying it now, Aaron has the sick feeling that Alexander has learned that mask from Aaron, that Aaron is responsible for dimming Alexander’s bright glow. 

Faced with the mask, and with Alexander’s apparent lack of curiosity about Aaron’s reason for being there, Aaron isn’t exactly sure how to start, “Um, so the rest of the cast has noticed there’s an issue between us. Angelica says we need to work it out before we start filming.” 

Alexander looks away, but doesn’t deny that there’s a problem, “I’m sure it will be fine.” 

Aaron absorbs that, “Maybe it’s fine for you, but, Alexander, I’m sorry, okay? I know I- I shouldn’t have kept things from you, I should be- I’m sorry.” 

Alexander takes a steadying breath, but otherwise stays blank, “You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one that- It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine. I know I disappointed you, and I’m-” 

Alexander interrupts, “Please don’t do that. Stop apologizing.” The mask has fallen away. He’s not built for this sort of fakery, not like Aaron, and without that careful control Alexander just looks tired. 

“I-” Aaron isn’t sure what to say if an apology isn’t welcome, if Alexander can’t forgive him. A silence opens up between them. 

Alexander breaks into the silence before it can grow too long, “What do you  _ want _ from me, Aaron? I’m doing my best, I just need-” He stops, takes a breath and starts again, “Why are you here?” 

“I’ve missed you,” Aaron says, truthfully. 

Alexander reacts with something like anger, “You can’t  _ do  _ that. It’s not fair, Aaron.” 

And, Aaron doesn’t understand what’s happening, why Alexander is so clearly upset, “Do what?”

Alexander gives him one anguished, disbelieving look, and then turns away from Aaron, as if unable to look at him, or... no, unable to be seen by him. 

Aaron is frozen for a moment, staring at Alexander’s tense shoulders. What wasn’t fair? It wasn’t fair for Aaron to miss Alexander? Why?

Aaron remembers that Angelica thought he had rejected Alexander. “I don’t want to betray any confidences,” she had said. Did- It wasn’t possible that Alexander could...

It has to be impossible. But if there’s even a chance... Aaron reaches out, just barely touches Alexander’s tense shoulder. A shiver passes through Alexander, unmistakable under Aaron’s tentative hand and Aaron’s breath hitches, a painful hope catching in his lungs.  

Without taking his hand off Alexander’s shoulder, Aaron steps around him to stand in front of Alexander, whose gaze drops to the ground, away from Aaron’s searching look. 

Aaron can’t read the set of Alexander’s features, but he gathers all his hope and all his courage, takes a deep breath and says, “Alexander, I’ve missed you so much.” 

Alexander looks at Aaron, and his eyes are wide, confused, and filled with tears, “I don’t understand why you’re doing this. Did you- Has something changed?” 

“Changed?” Aaron is the one confused now. 

“Yes,  _ changed _ . You didn’t want me before, so why are you doing this?” 

Aaron’s hand drops from Alexander’s shoulder, and he takes a step back, not sure what is going on, “Didn’t want you? When didn’t I want you?”

Alexander freezes, “You came over here, and-” He shakes his head and starts again, “I said, ‘do you ever think about not being alone anymore’, and you said ‘ _ no.’ _ ”

Aaron is shocked, but also a little angry, “And that meant I didn’t want you?” 

Alexander tilts his head, “Of course it did. I was  _ so _ obvious, everyone knew. But not you, you never seemed to notice. I told myself it was because you were straight, but then when you  _ weren’t _ , I thought you had to have noticed. I thought you were being polite.”

“It never occurred to you, that maybe the obvious answer was the right one?” 

Alexander laughs, a little bitter, “With you, Aaron? You’re not exactly easy to read.” 

And Aaron can’t stand that, can’t stand that Alexander doesn’t even know how easily he’s pulled down Aaron’s walls, “Not for  _ you _ . You always see me.” 

Alexander just shakes his head, “Apparently not.” He takes a deep breath, “So if not me, what were you saying no to?” 

Aaron has felt like every word of that conversation was burned into his mind, but now he’s having to rethink all of it, “I- You asked if I was tired, of being in the closet I thought.” 

Alexander takes a sharp breath, but Aaron goes on, unwilling for there to be any more misunderstanding, “And I said, no, I don’t want to come out of the closet, no, I’m not going to risk my career, no, I’m not that brave.” 

Alexander nods, but he’s not turning away this time, and Aaron isn’t going to let this chance slide away, “And for the record? There hasn’t been a single day since we met when I didn’t want you.” 

Alexander’s breath catches, something like wonder on his face, “What?” 

Aaron takes step closer, “I’m  _ not _ brave, but you make me want to be brave. You make me want to be someone you could...someone you could be with.” 

Alexander is studying Aaron, trying to find something in his expression. Aaron doesn’t know what that is, but he tries to keep his face open and honest, to let Alexander see the depth of his desire and his fear both. 

Alexander’s eyes are dark, and finally he says, “What if I was brave for both of us?” He looks nervous and determined all at once. 

Aaron doesn’t have an answer for that question, only hope. He watches Alexander, who seems to take Aaron’s cautious hope as answer enough, and slowly, carefully, leans in and kisses Aaron. 

At the first contact Aaron feels as if all his breath has left his body, but he determinedly kisses back, unwilling to let Alexander think that this is anything less than everything. 

Of course it’s not the first time they’ve kissed. Aaron’s long lost track of how many kisses they’ve shared, but it’s the first time they’ve kissed without cameras, without stage lights, and without directors adjusting angles. It’s the first time Aaron and Alexander have kissed, not Carey and Rafael. It’s featherlight, nothing compared to the staged desperation of their first kiss on camera, and yet Aaron feels like some broken piece in his chest has slotted into place at just that gentle press of lips. 

Alexander backs off after a moment, to inspect Aaron’s face again. For once Aaron has no idea what his expression is showing, but whatever it is makes Alexander smile at him, eyes happy and warm. Alexander leans back in for another kiss, still careful, but firm, and Aaron matches him kiss for kiss. 

After another minute, Alexander carefully reaches up, and cups Aaron’s face, his fingers light against Aaron’s skin. The touch sets off the same sparks that Aaron remembers from their very first on-set kisses, almost three years ago now, and he leans into it. 

Seeming to gain confidence from that, Alexander’s touch becomes steadier, and it belatedly occurs to Aaron that he can touch as well. Again, Alexander’s body isn’t unfamiliar to Aaron after carefully choreographed sex scenes, but it’s so different to get to touch with intent, and for himself not the cameras. Aaron is almost overwhelmed by the possibilities, but he settles for placing a hand gently at Alexander’s waist. 

Alexander responds by stepping closer so that Aaron can feel the heat of his body, almost a touch in of itself. Alexander slides his hand down from Aaron’s face, to his chest, and then his mouth is opening under Aaron’s, warm and tempting. 

Aaron takes the invitation, his tongue exploring Alexander’s mouth. Now  _ this _ is largely unfamiliar territory, as tongues are more less against actorly etiquette, and Aaron is unsure, cautious, but Alexander takes control of the kiss with a skill that sends a dancing heat along Aaron’s skin. His hand tightens on Alexander’s waist, and Aaron can’t help moving another half step closer until Alexander’s hand is trapped between their chests. 

Alexander slips his hand out from between them, and instead places it on Aaron’s back, pulling them closer still, until they’re pressed against each other, standing in the middle of Alexander’s living room, and kissing until the need for air pulls them apart. 

Alexander leans back, cupping Aaron’s face with his hands, “Is this okay?” 

Aaron can’t believe he’s even asking, “Yes. Very okay.” 

Alexander grins, and then leans in for another kiss. And then another, and so on. When Aaron starts to get dizzy with wanting, Alexander gentles the kisses, turning them back to the nearly chaste brush of lips they’d started with, and pulls back altogether. 

He smiles at Aaron for a long moment, and then takes his hand to pull him back to the couch, “Come here, we should probably use some words at this point.” 

Aaron follows, even though words sound like the less appealing option. 

Alexander settles on one end of the couch and lets Aaron settle on the other. “So, I take it you like me too,” he says, poking Aaron with one socked foot. 

Aaron can’t help but softly laugh, “I like you a lot.” 

Alexander’s face softens at that, “But you don’t want to come out?” 

Aaron looks away, “I-” 

Alexander pokes him again, and Aaron looks back at him, “Hey, it’s okay. I’m not trying to force you to do anything. I just want to understand.” 

Aaron nods, and swallows thickly, “I’d like to someday, but-” He realizes belatedly that one hand has crept to his chest, right over where he can feel the tightness that grows whenever he thinks about having to explain to his family, to his fans, to the world. 

Alexander has noticed, and he slides closer and lays his hand over Aaron’s, warm over the tightness, “I got it. It’s not a race.” He looks down at their layered hands, “I remember when I came out, how upset you were. I didn’t understand then, but our lives have been different, our perspectives are different, and I don’t want you to think that I need you to be just like me.” 

Aaron manages to pull his hand away from his chest, turning it awkwardly so he can take Alexander’s, “I’d probably be better off if I was.” 

Alexander shakes his head, “I like you. It would be pretty weird if all I wanted to do was date myself.” 

Aaron laughs, “It would be pretty Hollywood.” 

“That’s true. But I’ve never been very good at Hollywood.” Alexander runs his thumb along Aaron’s knuckles, “So, what do you say? Can we give dating a try?”

Aaron knows what he wants to say, but, “I just don’t want to disappoint you.” 

Alexander’s gaze is clear, “That’s really my choice, isn’t it? I’ve decided that I want to date you, now you just have to decide if you want to date me.” 

“You know I do.” 

“Okay,” Alexander says. He pulls Aaron into a hug, “Okay.” 

And just like that, Aaron is for the first time in his adult life, not acting out the role of dating, but actually dating someone. 

Alexander declares that their first date will be right then and there, and makes Aaron watch a terrible  _ Lifetime  _ movie that he’s apparently been ‘saving’ on his dvr. He snuggles into Aaron’s side, but they don’t kiss again until Alexander gives Aaron a soft goodnight kiss at the door. It’s quiet, private, and somehow perfect. 

#

The next morning on set Aaron finds himself gravitating helplessly towards Alexander, and it’s a struggle to maintain a friendly distance while they wait for the rest of the crew to arrive for their first scene. The showrunners are there. They seem tense, and Aaron remembers the way they were bracing themselves for a discussion with him the day before. He points this out to Alexander in a low voice, and, after observing them huddled together, Alexander agrees he and Aaron are about to get a talking to, “It’s like school all over again.” 

“I wouldn’t know,” Aaron says. 

Alexander smirks at him, “You were a good kid, huh?” 

“Ha, probably. But no, I meant, I didn’t go to school. It was all tutors for me.” 

Alexander is staring at him in fascination, “Just when I think I’m starting to really know you.” 

Aaron doesn’t want to address that, so he looks back to where the showrunners are watching them, now relaxed, “Oh look, I think we escaped the talking to.” 

Alexander looks, “They must be so relieved. That would have been an awkward conversation.” 

“More awkward if we told them how we made up.” 

This strikes both of them as funny, and they are laughing together when Angelica arrives on the set, ready for filming, dirt and fake blood in place, “I see you two made up.” 

Aaron sobers himself, “Yes. Thanks for the push.” 

She looks between them, and they aren’t touching, they aren’t doing anything they wouldn’t have done before, but she’s smart and they’re happy, “Oh,” She says, “Congratulations.” 

Aaron’s face feels hot, but Alexander just says placidly, “Thank you.” 

Then the rest of the cast is tumbling in, and they are off filming what is going to be a great season, Aaron can already feel it. 

#

At lunch, Maria figures them out too. Aaron has no idea what gives them away, and starts to worry that they’re just too obvious. Maria just quietly congratulates them on their way back to the set, giving them both a quick hug, and Aaron is in too good of a mood to worry about it over much.

It’s a busy week of filming, and Aaron doesn’t get much time with Alexander outside of work, but it will be worth it. The fourth season is all about the crew finally making it back to earth, and having to deal with the reactions of earth governments, the reaction of the public upon finding out that aliens exist, and the core cast’s struggle to figure out how they do and don’t fit back in their home. It raises interesting question, and is some of the most thoughtful character work since the first season, the kind of thing Aaron has always loved about science fiction. He looks forward to tackling the challenge, seeing what the rest of the cast does with it, and seeing the final product. 

At the end of the week, the cast goes out for drinks. Aaron might prefer to spend the time with Alexander, but they’ve made plans to spend the next day together, and Aaron’s missed the rest of the cast as well. 

Aaron and Alexander make it almost through the night without Dolly and James noticing any change in their relationship. As usual Dolly and James are too wrapped up in each other to notice much. The cast has ended up at a bar of Maria’s choosing. They are mostly hidden in a booth in the back, but they are in public nonetheless. So, although Alexander sits next to Aaron, they maintain a friendly distance. 

At least they do until Alexander’s had a couple of beers, not drunk, but pleasantly relaxed. Relaxed enough that he starts listing into Aaron’s side. Well, Aaron would have allowed that before any change in their relationship, so why shouldn’t he now? And if, as he gets more relaxed himself, it also makes sense to casually throw an arm over Alexander’s shoulders, surely that’s just friendly? 

Possibly they could have gotten away with that, but, lost in conversation with Angelica, Aaron doesn’t notice that, where his hand is resting on Alexander’s shoulder, he is absently tracing a slow, looping pattern, until he sees Dolly’s eyes locked on it. Aaron stops, but it’s too late, “Oh my god,” Dolly whispers. 

James looks at her in confusion, “What?” 

She ignores him, “How long?”

Aaron feels frozen, and Angelica says warningly, “Dolly…” 

Alexander seems calm, “About a week. You realize this isn’t really something to discuss here, don’t you?” 

Dolly’s face falls into an oh of surprise and she looks around, at the strangers surrounding them. She flushes and says, “Sorry, I’ll be the soul of discretion, but that’s great,” And she grins at them. 

Her genuine happiness is enough to let Aaron relax for a moment, but James is watching them, still puzzled, “ _ What _ ?” 

Dolly rolls her eyes, and leans in to whisper to him, leaving Aaron tense again. Under the table Alexander squeezes his knee reassuringly. James’s face goes through a series of expressions, but despite Aaron’s worry, none of them appear to be negative, and, once the whispered explanation is over, James doesn’t say anything, just offers them an unsubtle thumbs up. Aaron can’t quite smother a laugh, and Alexander gravely says, “Why, thank you.”  

#

So the cast gets informed without any actual effort on Aaron’s part. The one person Aaron has to actually tell is Theo. He calls her after the first day of filming, the day after that first kiss. 

He lets her tell him happily about the things she and Maryam have done this week, still enjoying the ability to go places together as a couple. 

When she’s done, she says, “And how’s the show?” 

“Good,” he says distracted, “Good.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. Look, there’s something else I want to tell you.” 

“Go for it,” she says. 

He takes a deep breath, “I’ve started seeing someone.” 

She makes a soft noise of surprise, “Oh wow. Is it- Who?” 

“Alexander.” 

Now she sounds pleased, “Oh that’s great. I’m so happy for you two.” 

Aaron tries not to feel emotional at her easy acceptance, “Thanks.” 

“When?” 

“Like, yesterday,” he laughs.

“Tell me,” she says, and so he does. 

After, she says, “I can’t wait to tell Maryam. We told you, didn’t we? We said he was gone on you.” 

Aaron doesn’t dignify that with a reply. 

#

On Saturday, Alexander comes over to Aaron’s for dinner and a movie. He brings the food, and Aaron provides the movie. 

When Alexander arrives at the door, he greets Aaron with a soft kiss. Just one, but Aaron chases after for another, and they kiss, standing by the door, until Alexander breaks it off and says, “Come on, dinner will be totally cold.” 

Aaron takes him back to the little breakfast nook that has windows overlooking the hills. It’s a smoggy day so the view isn’t as good as it can be, but the nearby canyon is pretty enough. 

Alexander unpacks the food, “Do you remember this place?” He hands Aaron the receipt. 

It’s the Thai place where they had their first off-set dinner together, Aaron smooths out the receipt which says, ‘Jenny’ and laughs, “So  _ either _ you have once again stolen Jenny’s food, or you told them your name is Jenny.” 

Alexander’s smile is like the sun, “I’m going to let you wonder.” 

Dinner is good, and they engage in the sort of getting to know you conversation that Aaron supposes is normal on dates. 

It’s a little awkward when he’s forced to admit that he’s never really dated anyone before, “I had a couple of hookups with girls I worked with in my early teens. Kid stuff, really. Then there was Theo.” 

Alexander nods understandingly, but Aaron feels compelled to explain more, “It wasn’t just me then, if I fucked up it was both our careers.” 

Alexander takes a drink of the beer he’d brought, “And anything casual?” 

Aaron’s face is warm, but he shakes his head, admitting to being twenty-eight with almost no sexual experience, but Alexander doesn’t seem surprised or displeased, just nods again, and smiles at Aaron before launching into a story about a disastrous date he’d once had in college. 

After dinner, Aaron makes Alexander watch  _ Star Trek IV _ , horrified that he hasn’t seen it yet. 

Although Alexander drapes himself against Aaron, leaving Aaron a little distracted by the comforting warm, weight of him, they watch the film, without interruption. 

At the end, Alexander is duly impressed, teasing that he’s off to save some whales right now, until Aaron, laughing, pulls him back down to the couch, and onto himself. There’s a fragile moment, the two of them sprawled together, breathless, and then Alexander asks Aaron for a kiss, which turns into a slow make-out session on Aaron’s couch. Aaron supposes it’s a little teenager-ish, but he appreciates the chance to get used to the feeling of Alexander against him, to the feeling of his own desire, without worrying about the next step. 

And after, the sight of Alexander eyes dark, mouth reddened from kissing, and hair in disarray, is more than Aaron ever could have hoped for a month ago. 

#

On the one hand, filming the show is wonderful because Aaron gets to see Alexander nearly every day, but, on the other hand, they’re at work, busy and professional. Some days they don’t have scenes together, and only catch each other in passing, and sometimes they have all day together, but no time alone. The dates they do manage to have in their free time, mostly resemble their second date, take-out at one of their homes, a movie, and getting to know each other. Alexander seems determined to take it slow, and Aaron had been fine with that, but now he’s starting to wonder, how slow is slow? 

He doesn’t push though. He doesn’t ask for more, not even sure how to begin. Instead, Aaron’s right hand has been busier than usual, fueled by frustration and all the new memories of the way Alexander feels against Aaron, Alexander’s deep kisses, the helpless noise he makes when Aaron finds that one spot on his neck.  

A couple of weeks before Halloween, which happens to fall on a Saturday this year, Alexander suggests he and Aaron go to the big street party that’s always held in West Hollywood. 

Aaron looks at him disbelievingly, “Isn’t that a little public?” 

Alexander makes an expansively excited gesture, “But that’s the beauty of it. It’s Halloween, we can wear masks!” 

Aaron considers, “Maybe…”

Alexander reaches out and caresses Aaron’s chest in an admiring way, “I think you should probably go as Spiderman, or Batman, or maybe Captain America.” 

Aaron raises an eyebrow, “So what I’m getting is you want me to wear spandex.” 

Alexander laughs, “You’ve got me.” He turns serious, “But think about it. It’s a chance to get out in the world, hang out with other people like us without having to worry about any of the baggage.” 

Aaron does think about it, and in the end he agrees, and they have their very first date outside of the confines of their homes. 

Alexander picks Aaron up and takes care of the nightmare that is parking. Aaron isn’t sure what Alexander’s costume is at first, all he can tell is that Alexander is dressed all in black, but, once they’ve parked, Alexander puts on a mask and a hat and suddenly he’s a very sexy Zorro. Aaron’s costume is pretty obvious. He’d gone back and forth since it doesn’t cover quite as much of his face as he’d like, but in the end the temptation is too much, and he’s gone as Geordi LaForge, one of his favorite as a sci fi obsessed, black teen. 

The party is like nothing Aaron has ever experienced. The crush of people, literally thousands, is overwhelming at first, but Alexander is right there with him. People are milling up and down Santa Monica, some in highly detailed costumes, and some either in extremely subtle costumes or just not wearing one. Some of the costumes are very revealing, an advantage of the hot L.A. autumns, and some are very, very revealing, an advantage of their wearers having little concern with modesty. 

What strikes Aaron most of all is how open the same-sex couples are. It’s a big event, there are obviously plenty of straight people there, plenty of single people, but it’s still WeHo. There are people in drag, rainbow flags along the street, and couples holding hands and kissing casually. 

Even beyond that, many of the costumes reference queer culture, divas like Cher and Lady Gaga, famous LGBT characters, and over the top lampooning of politicians who are against gay rights. 

It’s all new to Aaron, but it feels soothing in a way, to be surrounded by people who are so comfortable with the very thing he’s never been able to be comfortable with, and, after he’s gotten his bearings, he turns to Alexander with a bright smile. Alexander smiles back, relaxing slightly as if he hadn’t been sure Aaron would enjoy it after all. 

They mill up the street, moving with the slow flow of the crowd, pointing out the best costumes. They quickly start a tally of how many people there are dressed up as characters they’ve played. Alexander easily takes the lead due to his  _ Star Wars _ films, and his popularity with the LGBT community, but Aaron doesn’t do too badly. He might not be out, but he plays a popular queer character which affords him a certain amount of fans here, and some of his more obscure roles pop up among the crowd. Alexander seems to recognize all of them, and finally Aaron asks, “Have you watched every film I’ve done?” 

The mask hides Alexander’s face, but he seems sheepish when he says, “I plead the fifth.” 

Aaron laughing, gives him a one armed hug, “That’s devotion. I don’t think the directors of some of those would ever watch them again.” 

Alexander just shrugs and subtly points out another Carey and Rafael. That’s another reason Aaron can’t get ahead, Carey is by far his most popular character here, but almost every Carey is accompanied by a Rafael. Apparently it’s a popular couple’s costume, and that keeps their numbers steady.  

People occasionally stop one of them for photos, mostly other people dressed in the same costumes, or for Aaron other people generally in  _ Star Trek _ costumes. The first time it happens, Aaron is nervous, but it’s clear they don’t recognize him. Eventually one woman does tell him he looks a lot like himself, but Aaron just laughs and says smoothly, “People tell me that. Last year I was Carey, almost too easy.” She laughs with him, and they get Alexander to take a few pictures of her pitch perfect Data with his LaForge. 

Eventually, Alexander and Aaron get tired of walking, and duck into one of the areas with live music. Alexander forces his way through the crowd to buy a drink for Aaron, and they listen to the band for a while. Aaron allows himself to rest against Alexander as they sway to the music, not quite dancing, but not anything they could deny if someone took a photo. 

It’s a nice night, and when Alexander drops Aaron back home, the good night kiss Aaron gives him, hidden in the dark of the driveway, is lingering, a thank you without words. 

#

Maybe it’s the memory of that night, how confident all those other people had been, how confident Aaron had felt for an evening, but the next time Alexander has Aaron pinned to the couch, carefully kissing him without going any further, Aaron stops him, “What happens if I want more than this?” 

Alexander is pressed close enough that Aaron can actually feel his heart rate go up, but he just says, “More?” 

Aaron tries not to look away, “What if I want to have sex with you? Do you want to have sex with me?” 

Alexander says, “Of course I do,” and he gives Aaron a kiss that’s filled with a desperation that Aaron’s only tasted the edges of before, that Alexander’s always hidden, gentling and ending kisses before it could fully bloom. But now he doesn’t do that, letting it unfurl, letting Aaron feel exactly how much Alexander wants him, and Aaron surges up into the kiss, trying to convey just as clearly how much he wants Alexander. 

Aaron is disappointed when Alexander pulls away again, and lets him know with a small moan of frustration. Alexander says, “Do you mean now, or-” 

Aaron interrupts, “Now.” 

Alexander takes a deep, steadying breath, and says, “Tell me what you want, I’ll make it happen.” 

It’s too many options, so Aaron says, “I want you naked in my bed, how about we go from there?” 

Alexander gives him one more deep kiss, and then forces himself up off the couch, and off of Aaron. Aaron takes his hand, somehow unwilling to go even the distance to the bedroom without touching him, and guides him to Aaron’s room. They’d lost their shirts earlier, but once in the bedroom Aaron wastes no time leaving behind his pants, and then his underwear. Alexander quickly follows suit, and, for the first time, Aaron gets to admire him without his clothes. 

He’s as lovely as Aaron has pictured, and Aaron is eager to touch, so he takes Alexander’s hand again and pulls him into the bed. Alexander settles against Aaron, both like and unlike their make out sessions. The weight of him is familiar, but where before Alexander hadn’t brought attention to his hardness, even when it was obvious against Aaron, now, he grinds against Aaron as they settle against each other. The movement against Aaron’s own cock, the feeling of their bare skin together, sends a shiver of pleasure through Aaron, and he pushes back, seeking that sweet friction. 

But Alexander has a different plan. After only a few fleeting moments of that thrilling pressure, he pulls back, stopping to admire Aaron spread out underneath him for a moment before he asks, “Can I touch you?”

Aaron, who wants nothing more than to feel Alexander against him, whose own hands are running restlessly across Alexander’s back, says, “Of course.” 

And so Alexander sets out to drive Aaron wild. Alexander touches Aaron’s face, tracing his lips, the curve of his cheek, the line of his jaw. Alexander marks each of these spots with a kiss, then moves down Aaron’s neck, light fingers followed by firm kisses. Alexander traces down Aaron’s arms and lifts Aaron’s hands to press a kiss on the knuckles of one hand, and the palm of the other. Alexander moves back up and presses a kiss into Aaron’s shoulder, and then moves down again, tracing a line of touch and kisses along Aaron’s chest and stomach. 

Aaron feels breathless watching him, watching this beautiful person pay this much care to Aaron of all people. He can’t help touching Alexander in turn, hands on his back, sides, face. When Alexander reaches Aaron’s stomach, Aaron gently caresses Alexander’s thick hair, and Alexander slants a warm glance up at him from where he’s leaving a trail of tingling kisses. 

And then Alexander is moving down, out from under Aaron’s hand to press kisses on Aaron’s hips and thighs, lavishing special attention on the ugly scar last year’s accident had left on Aaron’s leg. He’s out of Aaron’s reach, and Aaron feels desperate, desperate to touch, and desperate for Alexander to touch him with intent. Alexander teases, moving incrementally closer to Aaron’s cock and the muscles in Aaron’s thighs jump as he resists the urge to thrust up, seeking the friction he so desperately wants. Just when Aaron thinks he might not be able to stand it for another second, Alexander’s hand closes over Aaron’s cock, surprising a guttural noise out of Aaron. 

Alexander strokes Aaron slowly, at the same time kissing his way back up Aaron’s chest, a sloppy, haphazard trail to Aaron’s mouth, unlike the slow, careful path Alexander took on the way down. When he reaches Aaron’s mouth, he kisses Aaron with all the desperation he’s been holding back. Alexander works Aaron faster until Aaron’s shaking with it, and can do nothing but cling to Alexander, one hand moving restlessly over the bare skin of his back, the other tangled in his hair. 

Aaron tries to keep up with Alexander’s kisses, but as the pleasure starts to build he can’t manage it, just panting into Alexander’s mouth, until Alexander takes pity on him and moves down to whisper, warm and wet against Aaron’s neck, “God, Aaron. Look at you, look at you.” 

Aaron teeters on the edge, his own small noises of desperation combining with Alexander’s whispers, and the obscene noise of Alexander’s hand working over Aaron’s cock, until finally he’s coming, fingers digging into Alexander’s back, as the waves of pleasure crash over him. 

When Aaron can focus again, feeling languid and happy in a way he’s never experienced before, Alexander is admiring him, seemingly content to just absorb the picture Aaron makes, come splattered on his stomach, chest heaving. Alexander doesn’t ask Aaron for anything, but he’s hot and hard against Aaron’s thigh. Aaron places a hand on Alexander’s hip, “Can I?” 

Alexander nods, and Aaron gently pushes him back into the pillows, seeking a better angle. Aaron’s never done this before, but, after some small experimentation with pressure and speed, he seems to find something that Alexander likes. Satisfied with the way Alexander’s expression starts to turn desperate, and the soft huff of his quickening breath, Aaron leans in to find the spot on Alexander’s neck that drives him wild. 

The noise Alexander makes when Aaron does find it is more whimper than moan. All of Alexander’s careful restraint seems to have abandoned him, leaving him writhing against Aaron. His careful calm of moments before was apparently some of his better acting, because, as Aaron strokes him, it becomes rapidly apparent that Alexander’s already on the edge. When Aaron gently applies some suction to Alexander’s neck in the way he likes, that’s it, Alexander is coming, with Aaron’s name on his lips. 

They lay together, sticky and relaxed, until Alexander asks, “Was that okay?” 

Aaron really can’t convey how okay that was, “More than.” 

After that, it’s like a door has been unlocked, and for a time dinners are rushed, and movies go by the wayside as Aaron and Alexander spend hours and hours in bed, experimenting with what Aaron likes, and repeating all the best experiments. By the time they’ve finished filming the fourth season, they’ve learned each other well, and Aaron can no longer say he feels inexperienced. 

#

In the meantime, Aaron’s PR team has had him attending events, trying to keep his profile high before awards season. Aaron doesn’t think any of the indies he did this year will rise to the top of the heap, but he defers to their expert opinion. The one thing he refuses is when they start to talk about a new publicity relationship, just something to show that he’s moved on and not clinging to Theo. It’s not that Aaron necessarily knows Alexander would be against it, they haven’t discussed it, but it makes  _ Aaron _ uncomfortable to think of denying Alexander so blatantly, and so Aaron says no. 

After filming ends for the show, Aaron and Alexander have nearly one whole glorious month where neither of them has a shoot, before Alexander has to start the next  _ Star Wars _ publicity march, and, aside from one beer-soaked attempt to merge their friend groups, the two of them spend nearly all of it together.

Aaron reasons that friends can go out to dinner, and they start on a mission to try all the best Los Angeles has to offer. They go south to K-town and find tiny restaurants tucked into alleys that serve spicy hot noodles, and delicious barbecue. They go further south and have curries and samosas. Then they go east for Chinese food. They comb the city for all the regional variations on Mexican food, and then branch out to Central and then South American countries. They compare the sushi on the Sawtelle strip to the sushi downtown in Little Tokyo, and brave the tourists at the Village Plaza to try every flavor of mochi ice cream available. 

They find other ways to spend time together as well. One day, they drive up to Malibu, past all the big beaches to one of those little spots where you can just stop by the side of the road and climb down a rickety set of stairs to the water. Here, there’s just a few people far out in the waves trying to surf. It’s too cold for swimming without a wetsuit, but Aaron and Alexander, huddle together against the wind, watch the pattern of the water, and admire the bravery of the distant surfers. They pick their way over the rocks, pointing out interesting little creatures, trying not to fall in the puddles, and no matter how careful they are, somehow getting splashed by the cold waves. After, from the safe warmth of the car, they watch the sun set over the ocean. Then they fight traffic back to Aaron’s where, still recovering from the chill, they fuck under his heaviest blankets.  

Another day, Alexander makes Aaron go to the Tar Pits with him, for some reason horrified to learn that Aaron grew up in Los Angeles without experiencing this wonder. Aaron plays along, despite being surrounded by children and young parents, some of whom clearly recognize them, but he can’t say he sees the appeal, “It’s literally just bubbling pits of tar, Alexander.”

Alexander points out all the wonderful fossils, but, looking at the gruesome statues reenacting the death of a family of mammoths, Aaron is unconvinced of the appeal. He’s even less convinced when they walk back to the car and, across the street from the pits, a crack by the curb is oozing tar into the street, as if the whole area might suddenly just slurp into the earth. Then there’s the smell. 

Despite all that, Alexander’s delight, the childlike excitement with which he points to all the little details in the displays, the glowing smile he turns on Aaron, leaves Aaron remembering the day fondly. 

Aaron takes Alexander on walks through the Hollywood Hills. Leisurely except for the challenging height of the historic staircases, which leave Alexander sweaty and glaring at Aaron every time. They wind through the residential streets, homes of people who would never do something as gauche as recognize a celebrity. They admire the architectural strangeness of the historical houses, debate the merits of the various styles, ranging from little cottages to modernist fantasies, and admire the breathtaking views of the city sprawling out beneath them. 

Once they brace themselves for recognition and slip into Griffith Park, mixing in with the families and hikers, and wandering down the strange little strip of Fern Dell. Aaron’s always loved it there, the one place in Los Angeles that seems like it landed from somewhere else, all running streams, lush vegetation, trees blocking out the sun, and the smell of water and damp earth. Visiting as a kid, Aaron could feel for a moment that he’d been transported somewhere else, but on this day he’s happy to be right where he is, with Alexander.  

There’s one dark spot on their month. Aaron’s aunt and uncle make an unplanned visit one day when Aaron and Alexander are just lazing around Aaron’s house. He’s never managed to get his key back, so, as usual, his aunt and uncle walk right in. Fortunately the house is set on the hill in such a way that the front door is a floor below most of the frequently used rooms, which gives Aaron a few seconds to prepare himself when this happens. 

Aaron and Alexander are laying together on the couch, watching an old movie, when Aaron hears the door. It’s obvious to him who it has to be, the cleaning service only comes on Wednesdays, and Theo and Maryam always call. He’s up and off of Alexander before he even has time to think about it. Alexander sits up too, watching Aaron warily, “What?” 

Aaron doesn’t have time for a long explanation, “We’re friends,” he says firmly, not checking to see if Alexander understands because he can already hear their footsteps on the stairs. 

It goes fine at first, Aaron greets them with a smile, and they smile back, to all appearances a happy family. Alexander picks up his role quickly when Aaron introduces him as a co-star, a friend, and nothing more. Alexander politely shakes their hands, and Aaron’s uncle complements Alexander on his work on  _ Star Wars _ . Landing a high profile role like that is actually something they admire, so it’s genuine enough.    

But then Aaron’s aunt and uncle want to take Aaron out to dinner, and even though he and Alexander are supposed to order take out soon, Aaron can’t say no to them. Not when it’s been so long since he gave them time, wrapped up in Alexander, and not when he doesn’t know what they’d say if he tried. Alexander doesn’t let on that he’s been dumped, just says that he has to be going anyway, and how nice to meet them, all bland good manners. 

Dinner is miserable, not just because Aaron feels guilty and wishes he was still with Alexander, but because his aunt and uncle spend a good portion of the meal debating whether it’s a good career move for Aaron to spend time with Alexander. They’re initially divided on the issue, because Alexander’s star _ is _ on the rise, he has another couple of bigger films booked for this year, and  _ Star Wars  _ is good for anyone’s career, but then there’s the gay angle. Bad enough for Aaron that his girlfriend should turn out to be queer, bad enough that Aaron took that role on that little sci fi show, but to compound it by being seen with Alexander, open deviant? No, they eventually decide. It’s not worth it.  

Aaron smiles and nods, and, as soon as he gets home, calls Alexander to apologize for abandoning him. Alexander is understanding, less upset than thoughtful, but Alexander didn’t hear what Aaron let them say about him, and his forgiveness burns. 

#

Before it seems possible, their golden month is over, and Alexander is off for another  _ Star Wars  _ promotional tour, and Aaron is filming in Toronto. It’s a fun film about a man who suddenly finds himself being observed by a woman who says she’s from the future. Aaron’s happy to be on the project, and he and Alexander are in touch all the time by phone, and at first the separation doesn’t seem so bad. 

Aaron’s co-star on the film is a young actress, pretty of course, and very talented. She always seems to want to spend time together, to ask him for advice about making it in Hollywood. It takes him an embarrassingly long time to figure out that she’s flirting with him. His first impulse is just to tell her he’s flattered, but he’s seeing someone, but of course he can’t do that. Instead, he finds himself stuck, unwilling to lead her on, but equally unwilling to hurt her feelings by rejecting her without reason. 

Fortunately, she eventually picks up the hint, although things are a bit icy on set for a couple of days. Alexander laughs when Aaron relates the tale, but it feels unspoken between them that this is a problem of Aaron’s own making, that if he were just stronger no one would think he was available, everyone would know that he’s with Alexander. 

The strain of the separation is worse when Aaron finds out that, although Alexander has a break in between  _ Star Wars  _ promo and the start of production on his next film in Europe, he’s using his break to visit his college friend John in New York. Alexander says he didn’t think Aaron would want Alexander to visit him in Canada, because how could they explain it? 

Aaron has to accept that, because it’s true, but it stings. After filming wraps on the time travel film, Aaron’s at loose ends, and he can’t visit Alexander, because, if it wouldn’t make sense for Alexander to visit Aaron, it wouldn’t make sense to do the reverse. 

Instead, Aaron spends time in Los Angeles, hanging out with Maryam and Theo. Theo is pregnant and they are both over the moon about it. Aaron helps them with their nesting, buying ridiculous toys, and debating nursery colors. But despite how excited he is for them, their happy couple vibes are a lot to take with Alexander across the ocean. When Aaron goes out with Theo and Maryam, he can’t help but feel like a bit of a third wheel, and, even worse, he can’t help but feel jealous of the easy way they interact with each other even in public. 

With all this time on his hands, Aaron can’t avoid thinking about it, about coming out. The idea still makes him uncomfortable, but neither can he deny that  _ not _ being out is also making him uncomfortable. He can’t deny how happy Theo seems now, how free. He can’t deny the memory of all those happy couples in WeHo, or that Alexander’s career is going strong despite the fact that he never lets an interviewer get away with forgetting he’s out. 

When Alexander gets back to Los Angeles they spend days just hidden away in Aaron’s house reacquainting themselves with each other’s bodies. Despite talking and texting all the time, Aaron has  _ missed  _ Alexander so much, and, from the way he clings to Aaron, Aaron has to hope that Alexander has missed him as well. 

But somehow, even with Alexander right here with him, Aaron still finds himself missing Alexander in a way. Whenever they go out of the house, even for nights out with friends, they can’t quite be the Aaron and Alexander they are when they’re alone, and Aaron misses  _ that  _ Alexander. The one that looks at Aaron with gentle affection, and detours when crossing a room to drop a kiss on Aaron’s face. The one that patiently watches  _ Star Trek  _ with Aaron, and has started to develop his own opinions on Kirk versus Picard. The one that can make Aaron forget everything but shimmering lust with just a few touches.

Instead, Aaron gets his good friend Alexander, who never touches Aaron unnecessarily, who gives Aaron the same smile he gives Angelica, and who is followed everywhere they go by the interested eyes of men and women alike. 

So, the idea of coming out continues to weigh on Aaron. He doesn’t realize that he’s brooding on it quite so obviously, until one day when Alexander pauses Netflix in the middle of Doctor Crusher giving an impassioned speech and says, “Okay, what’s wrong?” 

Aaron is genuinely confused, “What do you mean?” 

Alexander looks frustrated, “You’ve been...distant. Distracted.” 

“Oh,” Aaron says. 

“Okay, ‘oh.’ So what is ‘oh?’” Alexander’s hand is tight on the remote. 

Aaron is trying to think how to say it without actually promising anything he can’t deliver on, but he must pause for too long because Alexander goes on, “Is it-” And suddenly Aaron realizes that Alexander is pale, nervous, “Is it me? Are you thinking about ending it?” 

Aaron feels all the air in his lungs escape at the idea of breaking up, at the worse idea that Aaron has made Alexander think this, and he rushes to reassure Alexander, reaching out to take his hand, “God no, Alexander.  _ No. _ ” 

Alexander’s eyes flutter shut for a moment, and he takes a deep breath. When he looks at Aaron again, he seems steadier, less pale, “So what then?” 

Aaron looks away and then back, “I’ve been thinking about coming out, about if I could do it. Theo seems so much happier now, and I know you’d be happier…” He trails off, unable to say, even now, that he thinks  _ he  _ might be happier. 

Alexander squeezes his hand, “We’ve been over this, I’m fine. I’ll talk to you if things start to get not fine. I don’t want you to worry about me.” 

Aaron can’t explain, so instead he says, “I’m sorry I worried you.” 

Alexander shakes his head, “Just trust me, okay?” 

Aaron pulls him into a hug, but doesn’t say it’s not Alexander he doesn’t trust. 

# 

Aaron and Alexander spend the fourth of July at Maryam and Theo’s, just the four of them. Theo is due in a month, and looks simultaneously ecstatic and extremely ready to be done with the process. They mostly hide inside, in the air conditioning, but for the fireworks they go outside to watch. From here the fireworks are just small pops of color in the distance, too far for much sound. That’s fine with Aaron, he’s never really liked fireworks much anyway. He and Alexander share one of the oversized lawn chairs, Aaron balancing half in Alexander’s lap, while Alexander whispers his observations about the show into Aaron’s ear. 

After, when Maryam and Alexander are inside cleaning up, and Aaron is keeping Theo company while she works up the energy to haul herself back in the house, she smiles at him and says, “You guys seem really sweet together.” 

He smiles back, and then works up his courage to ask, “How did you know that you wanted to come out? I mean, what decided you?” 

She’s staring at him through the dark, but she answers carefully, “I knew I loved Maryam, and I knew she loved me. I knew that I’d had success in my career that I was proud of. And, I knew hiding was hurting me.” 

Aaron nods. 

She reaches out and takes his hand, “Are you…” 

“I’m thinking about it.” 

She squeezes his hand, “I’m here if you want to talk.” 

“I know.” 

#

The day of the Emmy announcements, Aaron and Alexander watch together from Aaron’s bed. Personally, Aaron thinks that last season was some of the best work they’ve all done on the show, and the buzz leading up to this moment seems to indicate that others agree. 

The announcement unfolds in the usual stream of awkward jokes, and low budget graphics. The show gets nominated for writing, and for directing. Maria misses out on a nomination for supporting actress, which Aaron thinks is ridiculous, because as far as he’s concerned she could go toe-to-toe in the lead category. Dolly and James are both good, but it’s hard to get nominated through a layer of prosthetics, so no surprise there. 

When Alexander's name is announced in the supporting category, his face is pure shock. Aaron wraps him in a tight hug, whispering, “I’m so proud.” 

Alexander’s phone starts buzzing, a long series of texts congratulating him, but he ignores them in favor of watching Angelica get nominated for lead, and then  _ Aaron _ . Aaron can’t quite believe it, but that’s his name, and Alexander is hugging him again, “You deserve it.” 

Aaron’s phone joins the congratulatory vibrations, but he and Alexander are still watching, holding their breath to see if the show will get nominated for outstanding drama. It does, and Aaron couldn’t be happier. 

After, they stare at each other in some shock before turning to deal with the build up of messages on their phones and sending out their own congratulations and condolences to Angelica and Maria. Aaron takes a call from his agent, letting Aaron know about the schedule she’s already started working up with his publicist, a PR push before the final vote. From the slightly overwhelmed expression that Alexander is wearing when he hangs up with his team, he’s going to be on much the same schedule.  

So they’re both going to be unbelievably busy going forward, but for the moment Aaron puts all of that aside and pulls Alexander into a messy, deep kiss, a prelude to private congratulations.

#

Two weeks later there something even more worth celebrating when Theo has the baby. It’s a girl, impossibly small and perfectly formed. Theo and Maryam name her Lyla, and the three of them together is one of the best things Aaron has ever seen. Alexander is also charmed, between the two of them that child is going to be beyond spoiled. In the last days of their break Aaron and Alexander spend as much time helping out and cooing over the baby as Theo and Maryam will allow. 

Then the bubble of domesticity is broken as they’re moving towards the final season of the show, and the cast has their final appearance at Comic Con. Aaron’s already sad for the show to be over, but he admires the tight five season plan that the showrunners have and how they’ve executed it. Every year the crowd of people there for their show has grown, and this year is no exception. Aaron doesn’t always love these sorts of panel events, but at Comic Con the crowd tends to like Aaron, who's obviously one of them in some ways, such as his distinct opinions on which  _ Star Trek  _ is the best, and that makes the event easier. 

Aaron is a little jealous of the easy, open way Dolly and James talk about their relationship and the awws that James is able to pull from the crowd for doing so. But, after they’ve all signed hundreds of autographs, and the cast crashes in Alexander’s room with the bottle of tequila that he has packed, Aaron can duck under Alexander’s arm, lean into his side, and be himself, at least with this group of people. 

The cast spends a happy evening laughing with each other. Maria and Angelica claim they’ve formed a secret sisterhood of not fucking anyone else on the cast. Aaron points out it’s not very secret now, and Alexander floats the idea that they should just hook up with each other. Dolly and James just seem pleased not to be alone in getting teased about their sappy couple-hood anymore. 

And after the tequila bottle is emptied, and the rest of the group stumbles back to their rooms, Aaron falls asleep wrapped around Alexander. 

#

Soon after that, filming starts up on the last season, both exciting and bittersweet. It’s a bit more sprawling than the last season, all about Earth negotiating its place in the universe as other species start to contact the planet. There’s a bunch of new minor characters, but the main characters are in the middle of it, trying to decide where their allegiances lie, and what they’ll sacrifice for humanity.   

Aaron’s enjoying  telling the story, and he’s enjoying all the time he gets to spend with Alexander. Last season, just starting their relationship, Aaron had been nervous about appearances, unwilling to show up on set together too often, and that limited the number of nights he and Alexander could spend together. This year, Aaron can’t bring himself to care about how it looks. He cares more about falling asleep next to Alexander, their quiet dinners together, and the occasional morning where Aaron wakes up earlier than Alexander and gets to admire his peaceful sleeping face, and terrible bedhead. 

So Aaron and Alexander arrive together most mornings and Aaron’s sure that some of the crew have figured them out, but no one has gone to the media or posted anything on the internet, so he doesn’t let it bother him. Instead, when the women who do Aaron and Alexander’s makeup in the mornings give them knowing indulgent smiles, Aaron just smiles slyly back. 

And in the back of his mind Aaron thinks about what it would be like if it was this way for Aaron and Alexander all the time, this easy acceptance, this casual togetherness. It’s a tempting idea, but two things still stand in Aaron’s way, the probable reaction of his aunt and uncle and the part of him that is sure it will spell the end of his career. 

#

A month into filming, Aaron and Alexander’s free time together is starting to disappear. The Emmys are in two weeks and, in addition to shooting the show, they’ve both started their strict schedule of appearances and interviews, in an attempt to ramp up their name recognition before the ceremony.

Despite this, they’ve managed to get most of a Saturday to themselves, Aaron doing an interview in the morning, but back in time for a late lunch. They’d had a lazy meal of leftovers in front of the television, and had gotten distracted from everything else, dishes abandoned on the coffee table, when Alexander decided they should be making out right then, and straddled Aaron’s lap. 

The TV is still playing pointlessly in the background, but all of Aaron’s attention is on the press of Alexander’s thighs against his, on Alexander’s mouth, and on Aaron’s hands spread across Alexander’s back and lower. In this position Alexander has to lean down to kiss Aaron and he steadies himself with warm hands against Aaron’s shoulders. Things are just starting to get interesting, the kiss turning frantic and a little sloppy, and Aaron trying to not so subtly guide Alexander’s hips closer, when the front door of the house opens. 

This time Alexander knows what it means, and the minute Aaron tenses underneath him, he’s off Aaron’s lap, trying to look less debauched. He arranges himself at the other end of the couch, a solid platonic distance. Aaron hates that he’s made Alexander into someone who has to hide like this, who hides in Aaron’s own home.  

When Aaron’s aunt and uncle make it up the stairs, Alexander and Aaron stand and step around the coffee table greet them. “You remember my friend, Alexander,” Aaron says, and his aunt and uncle greet Alexander with carefully faked enthusiasm, but then quickly fall into an awkward silence. 

It’s clear that they want Aaron to dismiss Alexander like he had last time, but Aaron stubbornly pretends not to notice. He’s not going to get rid of Alexander again, and he’s not going lose their rare day together.  

Alexander, picking up on the tension, offers to get drinks, creating a good excuse to leave them alone for a few minutes. 

After Alexander has taken their requests and left, Aaron’s uncle turns to him, “We talked about this, Aaron. You need to be careful who you spend time with.”

Aaron plays dumb, “Alexander’s a cast mate, and a highly successful actor.” 

His uncle shakes his head, “That’s all well and good, but there are other factors to consider. You don’t want people to get the impression that you’re...involved.” 

And there it is. Aaron’s heart is pounding, fear like an ache that’s everywhere from his throat to the tips of his fingers, but maybe it’s better to have done with it. He says, “And what if I was?” 

His uncle’s face goes blank, and it’s his aunt, standing behind his uncle, who says, “What are you saying?” 

Aaron raises his chin, trying not to shake, and says clearly, “I’m saying Alexander is my boyfriend.” 

His aunt opens her mouth to respond, but before she can, Aaron’s uncle takes one quick step into Aaron’s space, and his hand is gripping Aaron’s shoulder with a pressure that takes Aaron back to when he was a child, the kind of pressure that was easy to achieve when Aaron was small and his uncle’s hands were big in comparison, leaving bruises on shoulders and wrists. Over the years, as they grew closer in size, his uncle’s grip had become less painful, but now his rage seems to be giving him a new strength, and Aaron barely manages to swallow the small noise of pain that wants to escape. 

His uncle is angrier than Aaron has ever seen him, “How dare you?” 

Aaron wants to ask what that even means, but he doesn’t get a chance before his uncle is using his punishing grip on Aaron’s shoulder to shake him, as if his uncle can literally shake some sense into Aaron. Aaron can’t pinpoint if it’s just that he’s grown unused to his uncle’s behavior in the last few years, or if his uncle shakes him harder than Aaron remembers, but either way, Aaron loses his footing and has to take a step backward to keep to his feet. Unfortunately, he’s already up against the coffee table, it hits the back of his legs, tripping him, and, before either he or his uncle know what is happening, Aaron is falling back, onto the table. 

The coffee table was never meant to take the weight of a full grown man landing on it, and one of its legs buckles, sending a wave of dishes, the collection of remotes, and Aaron sliding to the floor with a crash. 

Aaron automatically puts his right hand down to catch himself, but as his weight lands on it, he feels a sharp pain. Lifting the hand in front of him, it becomes apparent that Aaron has fallen among broken crockery, driving it into the unprotected flesh of his palm. There are at least two cuts there, and the hollow of his hand is rapidly filling with blood. There’s a small moment where everyone in the room is frozen in shock at the sight. Aaron’s uncle may have been free with bruises, but he’s never made Aaron bleed before, and now he takes a step backward as if he can deny the red evidence of his actions. 

Into this silent tableau rushes Alexander, no doubt reacting to the crash. His quick stride falters when he sees Aaron on the ground. He looks suspiciously at Aaron’s aunt and uncle, but seems to push that concern aside when he sees Aaron’s bloody hand, “Aaron!” 

Alexander hurries over and kneels in front of Aaron, ignoring the other people in the room. He lifts Aaron’s hand from where Aaron has it loosely held in front of himself, “Keep this elevated.”

Alexander’s eyes scan Aaron, looking for other injury, “What happened? Are you with me?” 

Aaron can’t deal with the first question, but he moves past his shock enough to nod in response to the second. 

Alexander seems relieved to get a response, “Okay. You’re going to be okay.” He reaches up and gently squeezes Aaron’s shoulder. 

It’s meant to be comforting gesture, but unfortunately his hand lands right where Aaron’s uncle has left rapidly forming bruises, and Aaron can’t help the sharp hiss of pain that escapes him. 

Alexander’s hand jumps back, quick reflex, and then Alexander pauses, looking closely at Aaron, asking a question with his eyes. A question that Aaron can’t answer, shifting nervously away from Alexander’s gaze. 

Over Alexander’s shoulder Aaron’s aunt and uncle are still standing, unsure what to do. They don’t know it, but Alexander had his hands on Aaron’s shoulders not ten minutes ago. Alexander has to know that whatever happened, happened in the brief time they were apart. When Aaron makes himself look back at Alexander, whatever conclusions Alexander has reached have turned his expression dark and angry.

Alexander doesn’t do anything sudden though. He gently lifts Aaron’s hand from where Aaron has let it fall from the elevated position. “Up,” he says, softly. A trickle of blood slides down Aaron’s wrist. 

Then Alexander stands and turns to where Aaron’s aunt and uncle are still hovering, uncertain, and in a carefully controlled voice Alexander says, “Get out.” 

Aaron’s uncle doesn’t care for that, “And what makes you think I have to listen to you?” 

Alexander opens his mouth, but Aaron interrupts, “Alexander.” 

Alexander turns back, expression disbelieving, but Aaron just says, “Help me up.” He’s surrounded by broken glass, nowhere to brace himself to get up, and shaky on top of that. Alexander nearly has to lift him to his feet, ducking down to let Aaron get an arm over his shoulder, and steadying Aaron around the waist until he’s safely standing. 

Once Aaron is on his feet, Alexander a steady presence behind him, Aaron repeats Alexander’s words, “Get out.” 

His uncle scoffs, “Are you going to make me?” 

Aaron shakes his head, “I’m not going to have to.” He holds his hand out in front of him, more blood has run down his wrist, and a thick drop slips down the side of his hand and hits the floor like punctuation. “I’ll just call the police. This is assault.” 

His aunt clutches at his uncle’s sleeve as if she sees Aaron’s point, but his uncle doesn’t move. Aaron continues, “What do you think the charges will be when I tell them it was because I said I’m dating a man? What do you think the press will say?” 

That seems to do it. His uncle’s scowl deepens, but he turns on his heel and leaves. His aunt lingers just long enough to say, “You’re a disappointment, a waste of effort. Your parents are  _ lucky _ not to have to see you.” 

Alexander gasps behind Aaron, but Aaron doesn’t give her the satisfaction of seeing how much it hurts, the culmination of her every insinuation since he was a child. He stands perfectly still until the door shuts behind them and he hears the sound of their car engine start. It seems absurd that fifteen minutes ago he was blissfully kissing Alexander, and now he aches all over, perhaps most of all where his aunt’s words have lodged against his heart. 

Alexander gently touches his elbow, and Aaron turns to him. Alexander doesn’t say anything, just guides Aaron’s hand up again, and leads him to the bathroom. Aaron is content to let Alexander take over for the moment, numb and tired, twenty-five years of bruises and slights draining him all at once. 

Alexander has Aaron sit on the lid of the toilet and wraps Aaron’s hand tightly in a towel, trying to see if he can stop the bleeding. Alexander rests Aaron’s hand against his own chest, one of his own hands over it to keep the towel tucked tightly in place. 

With his free hand Alexander reaches down and gently touches Aaron’s jaw, until Aaron looks up at him. Alexander looks seriously at Aaron and says, “You are the furthest thing in the world from a disappointment. You make me so happy, and I’m sure your parents would be over the moon to have such a talented, kind, brave son.” 

Aaron bites his lip, the numb haze nudged aside by Alexander’s words, by his sincerity, and his kind touch. Without the blank numbness, Aaron finds himself suddenly on the verge of tears, but he manages to push them back, and conjure a small broken smile for Alexander instead. 

Alexander smiles back a little, and runs a soothing thumb along Aaron’s jaw, before turning his attention back to Aaron’s hand, applying more pressure. 

Still fussing with the towel Alexander asks, in a tone attempting and failing to be casual, “Has he ever done this before?” 

Aaron considers and discards several responses before finally settling on, “He’s never made me bleed before.” The obviousness of the injury is still the most shocking part to Aaron. 

Alexander closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, “How long?” 

“I don’t-” 

Alexander’s gaze is intent on Aaron again, “How long has he been hurting you?” 

Aaron looks away and then back, “He’s been better lately.” 

Alexander makes a small angry noise, “Now that you’re an adult his own size?” 

And what is there to say but, “Yes.” 

Now Alexander looks like he might cry, “Jesus, Aaron.” 

Aaron just wants to comfort him, “It was- As long as I made them happy, it was fine.” 

Alexander just looks sadder, “You shouldn’t have to make someone happy to know they aren’t going to hurt you.” 

Aaron swallows and looks away again. 

Alexander doesn’t say anything more, just experimentally unwraps Aaron’s hand. The towel is probably a lost cause, but the wounds seem to have stopped bleeding. 

Alexander carefully washes out the cuts, applies antibiotic ointment, and then digs out the old gauze leftover from Aaron’s leg injury to wrap the hand. Because there’s a cut both near the top of the palm and at the base of the thumb the bandage ends up covering nearly Aaron’s whole hand, making it look worse than it is. 

After it’s neatly finished, Alexander asks, “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

Aaron shakes his head, “Just bruises.” 

Alexander looks like he wants to say something, but instead he gives Aaron a glass of water and some painkillers, which Aaron takes gratefully. 

“Were you serious about pressing charges?” Alexander ask neutrally. 

Aaron shakes his head, and Alexander doesn’t argue even though Aaron would bet he thinks it’s a great idea. 

Aaron stands up and pulls Alexander into a hug, “Thank you.” 

Alexander hugs back, and buries his face in the crook of Aaron’s neck, carefully on the unbruised side, “You don’t have to thank me.” 

Aaron just holds Alexander, drawing strength from his solid warmth, until Aaron feels ready to tackle the next step. When the hug ends, Aaron says, “I want to get the locks changed.” 

Alexander asks, “Do you want me to take care of it?” 

Aaron should have done this a long time ago, “No, I can do it.” 

So Aaron goes down to the first floor, trying not to look at the mess of broken plates and table as he slips past them. He sits in the rarely used parlour on the ground floor and calls a locksmith, promising them an exorbitant amount of money if they’ll be out soon. And then, while he waits for them to show, he calls his lawyer and his accountant to set up a meeting with the two of them. 

The locksmith shows up faster than Aaron expected, and he’s efficient, leaving Aaron with new locks and a new set of keys for each himself, Alexander, Theo, Maryam, and the cleaning service. The locksmith doesn’t ask any questions, not about the thick white bandage on Aaron’s hand, or Alexander hauling a broken table out the door. Aaron tips well, and hopes that no tabloid stories result from this visit. 

By the time the locksmith is done, Alexander has the living room cleaned up. There’s an empty space where the coffee table was, but all the glass and the splashes of blood are gone. 

Aaron feels exhausted, and like the day that he and Alexander had been looking forward to has been ruined. His gaze keeps drifting back to the empty spot where the table used to be, and, even though it’s gone, every time he sees the spot where it was, Aaron can almost feel again the helplessness of the moment when he realized he was falling. 

Alexander studies him, and then says, “Let’s go outside.” 

Aaron is happy to go anywhere away from this room, so he follows Alexander out. It’s a warm day, hot even, but the back patio is shadowed by tall trees. It looks out over the canyon, and it’s a clear day, offering a good view of the hills and a classic southern California blue sky. 

Alexander stretches out in a lounge chair, sliding to one side, and pats the empty space next to him, inviting Aaron to join. Aaron does, resting against Alexander despite the heat. They lay there a long time, quiet, studying the hills, feeling the breeze, listening to the leaves blow. 

Eventually Aaron feels some of the tension seep from him, safe in his home with the new locks in place, safe here with Alexander in the calm afternoon.

As evening grows closer, Alexander gets hungry and they go inside for a dinner of whatever Alexander feels equipped to make, which turns out to be eggs and toast. Aaron isn’t hungry, but eats what he can anyway. It’s complicated by the fact that he has to use his left hand, and he gives up after only half the plate. 

Afterward, he’s exhausted even though he’s done nothing for the last few hours but lay down, and all he wants to do is go to bed. Even though Aaron insists that Alexander should finish the movie they were watching earlier, or read a book, or do anything but feel tied to Aaron, Alexander follows Aaron to bed. Aaron arranges himself in bed, carefully on his back so he’s not putting weight either on his bruised shoulder which is starting to stiffen up, or his hand which is throbbing gently. It’s not even dark out yet, light is still slipping through the blinds, leaving the room dimly lit. 

Alexander lays on his side, watching Aaron in the filtered sunlight as if he’s worried Aaron might disappear somehow if he relaxes. 

Aaron is exhausted, but somehow not at all sleepy, and he tilts his head to look back at Alexander, “I’m not going anywhere.” 

Alexander smiles halfheartedly and reaches out to just rest his fingers against Aaron’s arm as if for added assurance, “I know.”

They’re still for a minute and then Aaron says, “I never told you about my sister Sally, did I?” It’s not a real question, he knows he hasn’t because it’s impossible to talk about Sally without talking about the secret that Alexander has only just learned.

“No,” Alexander says, “I knew you had a sister, but you never mentioned her.” 

“She was… She remembered our parents. I was too young.” Aaron takes a deep breath, “She fought. Right from the start. She used to just  _ dare  _ him to leave a mark.” 

Alexander makes a soft noise, but Aaron can’t look at him to see what his face is showing, “I always- it was easier to make them happy, but she was stronger. She never did what they wanted, no matter what. Finally when she was eleven they gave up on her, sent her off to boarding school. When she was eighteen she got into college on the east coast, and that was the last I heard from her.” 

Alexander is silent for a moment, “How old were you?” 

“Sixteen,” Aaron says, “I met Theo later that year.” 

“Aaron,” Alexander says, and Aaron finally meets his eyes, “That doesn’t make her  _ stronger _ . You both did what you had to do to survive.” 

Aaron shakes his head, but Alexander reaches up and gently touches Aaron’s face, “You are strong.” 

It seems impossible that Alexander can still be there, can still be so certain in Aaron after the revelations of the day, and Aaron’s eyes fall shut at the touch, feeling shaky and unsure, “I know this isn’t what you signed up for.” 

Alexander’s touch doesn’t falter, “I signed up for you, Aaron.” He pauses, “You know I love you. You know that, don’t you?” 

Aaron’s eyes fly back open, to see Alexander’s sincere gaze. It’s not that Aaron didn’t think maybe, possibly even probably, Alexander loved him. He’s been so patient with Aaron’s fears, and seems content to spend endless time with Aaron, even when it’s behind closed doors. He’s clearly attracted to Aaron, and he’d been so nervous when he thought Aaron might break up with him. But it’s so much more to hear Alexander say it, especially after today, when he’s seen up close the cracks at the heart of Aaron. Aaron suddenly feels light again, the weight of the day lifting, and there can be only one true response, “I love you too.” 

Alexander’s whole face transforms, and Aaron realizes with some shock that  _ Alexander  _ had been as unsure as Aaron, maybe more so. It’s ridiculous, how could Aaron help but love Alexander, so he says it again, “I love you.” 

Alexander is smiling, and he slides over carefully to kiss Aaron. Not the passionate kiss that had been interrupted earlier, but a warm kiss, a worshipful kiss, the kind of kiss that Aaron had never imagined receiving when he was younger, and Aaron does his best to return all his own affection and happiness. 

Alexander leans back after a moment, mindful of Aaron’s shoulder, but for the time all Aaron’s aches seem distant. He smiles at Alexander across the pillows, and Alexander smiles back. Alexander places his hand on Aaron’s chest, and Aaron lays his good hand over it, and closes his eyes, basking in the idea of Alexander's love until tiredness finally pushes him into sleep. 

#

The next day, Sunday, they’re supposed to visit Theo, Maryam and the baby. Alexander re-bandages Aaron’s hand which had bled some in the night, but overall seems to be doing well. Aaron’s shoulder on the other hand is stiff and sore, and Alexander catches Aaron stuck halfway out of his sleep shirt and pulls it off for Aaron. Alexander’s mouth thins when he sees the distinctly finger shaped bruises that have formed in the night, but he doesn’t say anything.

When they get to Theo’s, Maryam is out getting lunch, and Theo greets them brightly, “Oh good! Look Lyla, it’s Uncle Aaron, here just in time for diaper change.” 

Aaron’s moving forward, already forgetting about his hand, but Alexander points at the bandage and says, “I’ve got it.” 

He wanders off with Lyla, instantly falling into a complicated baby talk conversation. 

Theo lets them go, instead focused on Aaron, “Oh my god, what happened?” 

Aaron waves the hand dismissively, “It looks worse than it is.” 

“Which doesn’t answer my question.” 

Aaron shrugs, and regrets it, “I told my aunt and uncle about my relationship with Alexander. They didn’t take it well.” 

“Oh my god,” Theo says again, and wraps him in a hug. 

Luckily she’s shorter so she puts her arms around his waist and not his shoulders, avoiding that discussion, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he says, “I’m fine.” 

“Bullshit,” she says, “Is Alexander okay?” 

“I think so.”   

She lets him go, and he suddenly remembers, “Oh, wait a second.” He digs in his pockets and comes up with two sets of keys, “I changed the locks. For you and Maryam.” 

She gives him a serious look, but just takes the keys, “Thank you.” 

Alexander comes back with the baby, happy in her fresh diaper. When Maryam arrives soon after with the food, Theo waylays her for a private exchange and, after, Maryam doesn’t ask about Aaron’s hand, just gives him one sad look before turning the topic to Lyla. 

Overall, it’s a soothing afternoon, filled with all the people Aaron most cares about, and it does a lot to erase the stress of the previous day. 

# 

Later that week, Aaron meets with his lawyer and accountant. He’s unwilling to cut his aunt and uncle off financially, not when he’s been providing for them for so long, but his lawyer writes a contract ensuring that their stipend will continue to come as long as they never make unprompted contact with Aaron or Sally again. 

It’s both dispiriting and comforting how quickly they return the signed contract, apparently not having to think very hard about whether they value Aaron or his money more. 

#

Aaron doesn’t have much time to think about that or much of anything else though, because on top of filming, he, Alexander and Angelica launch into a whirlwind of self promotion in the final couple of weeks before the Emmys, the last few days preceding the ceremony are a constant stream of lunches, and parties, and congratulatory red carpets.

Aaron’s PR people had wanted him to have a date for all these events, but he’d not only put his foot down, but broken the news of his relationship with Alexander. They’d taken it well, and although he said he didn’t plan on coming out at the time, he could tell they were probably going to be drafting statements for every eventuality. 

The day of the Emmys seems long, although the women on the cast make the men perfectly aware how lucky they are in terms of prep time. The whole main cast is at the ceremony because the show is nominated, and nervous writers and producers as well. They get seated in a clump, which means that, although Aaron and Alexander have to walk the red carpet alone, they get to sit next to each other in the theater, something Aaron can only be grateful for. 

The show is as long and ponderous as these things always are. The host is hit or miss, and there are so many commercial breaks, drawing out the process even more. At first it’s looking like their night when the show wins for writing, but then Alexander loses out for supporting actor. Alexander carefully applauds for the actor that wins, and only after the speech, when the camera is off them, does Aaron give him a one armed hug, “I’m sorry.” 

Alexander leans into it for a second, but whispers back, “It’s fine. I’ve got years to win stuff.” 

Aaron tightens the hug sympathetically, but by the time the cameras swing back their way for the directing award, Aaron and Alexander are back to being coworkers and friends for the public. The show wins the directing award, loses a music award, then the ceremony is starting to wind down, moving towards the big final awards, and Aaron is getting nervous. 

Sensing Aaron’s mood, Alexander presses his leg alongside Aaron’s, carefully out of range of the cameras, trying to comfort in what subtle ways he is able. Then it’s time for outstanding lead actress in a drama, and Angelica  _ wins _ . Her face is shocked, and she’s shaking a little as her boyfriend pulls her into a congratulatory kiss, but the whole cast stands to applaud for her, thrilled that her amazing work is getting the recognition it deserves. She tearfully thanks all of them, her family, her team, and even her boring boyfriend, who manages to look both proud and dull.

And then it’s Aaron’s turn. He feels like he should be getting an award just for managing to smile calmly for the camera when his name is read. Aaron doesn’t really expect anything, he’s up against some real powerhouses, people who have won before, people in respectable dramas, not weird little sci fi shows, but he can’t stop hoping a bit, even if it leaves him vibrating internally with nerves. It doesn’t help that now the eye of the camera is right on them, and so Aaron is deprived of Alexander’s comforting touch. 

And then the announcer, an actress Aaron once worked with on a terrible romantic comedy, back when they were both impossibly young, is fumbling with the envelope. She makes an unfunny, nervous joke as she struggles with the flap, and finally it’s- It’s Aaron’s name she reads. He feels blank with shock, and then, in a rush of adrenaline, thrilled. All he wants to do is turn and kiss Alexander, to share this with him, like Angelica did with her boyfriend, but Alexander’s already pulling him up into a safe hug, complete with heterosexual thumps on the back for the home audience. He pushes Aaron towards the stage, and Aaron has to go forward, past the rows of people applauding for him.  

It’s not really a long walk, but it feels long somehow. Instead of appreciating the applause, Aaron’s resentment at not getting to fully share this moment with Alexander builds in his chest. Worse yet is the knowledge that it’s Aaron’s own fault, that he’s brought himself here, soured his own triumph. 

By the time Aaron’s made his way to the microphone and taken the award, strangely heavy in his hand, he’s made his decision. He smiles at the room, says what an honor this is, and quickly thanks the studio, the crew, the cast, his team, and Theo. Then, with all the keen sense of drama a lifetime of acting has given him, he turns to where, somewhere beyond the haze of the stage lights, he knows Alexander is. Aaron doesn’t rush, daring the director of the ceremony to try to play him off the stage, “And finally, I want to thank Alexander, whose performance made mine possible.” He takes a deep breath, “Even more I want to thank you for standing by me, and for making me a better person, for making me a braver person.” Aaron lifts the award up, “Alexander, this is for you. I love you so much.” 

Having done the thing that has terrified him for his whole adult life, Aaron raises the award once more, this time to the crowd, “Thank you.” 

The usher and the announcer guide him to the correct side of the stage, and the announcer, his former co-star, hugs him as they walk off, “Wow. Congrats times two, I guess.” 

Aaron just laughs, feeling lighter than he’s ever felt. 

Backstage Angelica finds him, pulling him into a hug, and still glittering with her own success, “Oh my god, you dramatic motherfucker.” 

He laughs again, hugging her back, but then quickly gets pulled away to answer press questions, a standard part of the process that seems non-standard in light of Aaron’s acceptance speech. Somehow the TV journalists have no questions about the show, instead asking question after question about his relationship with Alexander, with Theo, about Aaron’s sexuality. He’s starting to repeat himself, when an usher pulls him away back to Angelica, because they’ve reached the end of the ceremony, the announcement for outstanding drama series and there’s the chance they’ll be needed on stage if their show wins. 

And it must really be their night, because they win this too. He and Angelica get led back towards the stage, and held in the wings until the rest of the cast and crew has made their slow way on-stage. Angelica and Aaron walk back out, arm in arm, but when they hit the flood of people around the mic they split apart, Angelica making her over to Maria, and Aaron trying to make it to Alexander on the other side of the crowd. Aaron gets stopped by James, Dolly, and one of the producers, all wanting hugs and handshakes, before he  _ finally _ makes it to Alexander. 

Alexander is beaming at Aaron, looking as excited as Aaron feels. Aaron wastes no time in pulling him into the kiss they didn’t get before. Alexander kisses him back, but they have to give up on it when they can’t stop smiling, instead Alexander says, “I love you too,” and Aaron takes his hand, other hand still holding the award. They hold hands all through the producers rambling thank you speech, the whole of their time on camera. 

#

There’s more tiresome press questions afterward, but, following that, Aaron gets to attend the after parties  _ with  _ Alexander, clearly a couple, standing proudly together for all the photos. It’s even better than having the award. 

Aaron’s publicity team books him a few more formal interviews in the next few days, ready to go with a speed that makes Aaron think that impromptu Emmy coming out was just one of the many scenarios they had planned for. He can’t complain, that’s why he pays them. 

The strangest, most wonderful thing that come from Aaron’s spontaneous decision is that Sally calls. She doesn’t have his current number, so she calls his agent, but he has a long standing protocol that she should be given his number, and so Aaron cautiously answers a call from an unknown number only to find that it’s his sister. 

It’s an awkward call, it’s been over a decade since he last saw her, and twenty years since they really knew each other, but she says she’s called to congratulate him. 

“For the award?” he ventures.

“Oh. No, for...the relationship, for standing up for yourself.”

That sounds like the Sally he remembers, “Thank you.” 

There’s a pause, and then she says in a rush, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just left like that.” 

Aaron had been devastated at the time, part of him has always held onto that hurt, but, hearing her shaking voice, all he can say is, “It’s okay. You did what you had to.” 

They talk some more, learning about each other. She’s a social worker, helping kids in much worse situations than they’d been, and he’s proud to hear it and tells her so. 

They tentatively make plans for him to visit her where she lives, still on the east coast. She says he should bring Alexander, and he can already see they’ll get along.  

#

The show wraps its fifth and final season to general critical acclaim and fan appreciation. Aaron’s career doesn’t tank once people know he’s with Alexander. There are some scripts that don’t come in, but Aaron still gets the kind of projects that he’s interested in. Without his aunt and uncle pushing him, that mostly means either science fiction or smaller, character driven pieces. Alexander, on the other hand, enjoys the challenge of big budget action films, and books a steady stream of stunt heavy thrillers. 

Time passes, and Alexander officially moves into Aaron’s house in the hills. Theo and Maryam have another little girl. Aaron does visit Sally in Connecticut, stressful and wonderful all at once. Eventually, Aaron proposes to Alexander, who accepts happily.  

The wedding is the culmination of a running joke between Alexander and Maryam, a double wedding - Aaron and Alexander, and Theo and Maryam. Lyla is the flower girl, although she gets distracted by a guest’s sparkly dress and doesn’t do much in the way of flower distribution. Sally is there, and Aaron’s aunt and uncle are not. If Aaron had ever imagined his wedding, he would have imagine nothing like this, nor would he have imagined the sheer number of people who attend, excited to wish him well. 

The ceremony itself, the whole idea of a double wedding, is ridiculous, over the top, and somehow just right. It’s the wedding America had been pushing Aaron and Theo to have for most of their lives, but turned inside out, and it is truer and happier than any Hollywood fantasy. It’s the difference between a romantic declaration of love in the last five minutes of a film, and Alexander’s constant, reassuring presence in Aaron’s life. On this day, Aaron doesn’t mind the spotlight at all. 


End file.
